1.0 CERVANTES AND SHAKESPEARE

MOV* CERV: How do you expect that the opinion of that ancient law-maker called the public and all it's critics, not have me worried when they see that I, after so many years asleep in the silence of oblivion, should now emerge with all my years on my back or even long dead, with a show as dry as straw, barren of invention, devoid of style, poor of wit and lacking in all learning and instruction, without fancy costumes, printed tickets, playbills, nudity, discounts for dinner clubs, corporate sponsors and valet parking? I have decided that Don Quixote shall stay buried in the archives of La Mancha until Heaven provides some props, air-conditioning, previews and a producer who can tell us how this is supposed to be done.

MOV* SHAK: (laughing) 'Zounds, brother, I've just corrected a misconception I have had ever since I have known you, for I have always thought you were sensible. But I see now you are as far from being so as the sky is from the earth. How is it possible that matters of so little importance and so easily put right are able to confound and preoccupy as ripe an intelligence as yours, so fitted to break down even greater difficulties and trample them underfoot? By my troth, this does not spring from lack of ability, but from excess of laziness and poverty of resource. Would you like to observe that what I say is true? Well, then listen to me and you will see me resolve all your difficulties in the twinkling of an eye, and set right all the defects which, you say, perplex and frighten you into giving up the bringing to light of the production of the show of your famous Don Quixote, light and mirror of all knight errantry. In this room, you have only to make use of imitation, and the more perfect the imitation the better your play will be. You have only to see that your lines are memorized and enunciated, and that the setting isn't too distracting. Take care that your production make the melancholy laugh and the merry laugh louder; that the simpleton be not confused; that the intelligent admire your invention, give free drinks to the critics, and make sure they feel very special and have no uncomfortable seats. If you can achieve that, you will have achieved no small thing.

1.1 DON QUIXOTE AT THE INN

WHO1: (standing DL) Armando said I got to shut up always laughing at the jokes of the other guys. Like he owns me or something, which is fine by me, 'cause I like him except I start to miss Estephan and Carlos too and Armando has a really small saddle, and I like it better with Carlos where there's more room, and Estephan has that really good beef jerky.

WHO2: I know, Armando's always making up those stupid rules, but I think it would be nice to ride on our own mule, 'cause they get sick of us crowding them too. I mean Carlos even said something about Armando's some kind of dumb ass for not getting us another saddle 'cause we got so many mules anyway.

DONQ: (enters UR, comes center) I beg you, ladies, not to fly, nor fear any outrage; for it ill suits the order of chivalry which I profess to injure anyone, least of all maidens of such rank as your appearance proclaims you to be.

PUP* (two beautiful maidens)

WHO1: Did he say we were rank? (laughing)

WHO2: Did he say we were maidens?

DONQ: Civility befits the fair, and laughter arising from trivial causes is, moreover great folly . . .

WHO2: He's angry.

WHO1: He's gonna hit us.

WHO2: Innkeeper!

INNK: Yes? (enters UL, comes between WHO's and DQ)

WHO1: Take care of this guy.

DONQ: Are you the keeper of this castle?

INNK: If your worship is looking for lodging, Sir Knight, except for a bed which we ain't got any of, you will find plenty of everything.

DONQ: For me, Sir, whatever you have is enough. My ornaments are arms, my rest the bloody fray.

INNK: Yeah, well let's get these ornaments of yours off before you come in, you might break something. (the WHO's try to help him get off his armor, but fail to get off his visor and helmet)

WHO2: This thing ain't coming off.

WHO1: Be careful, his neck's not very thick.

DONQ: Never was there a knight by ladies so well attended as was Don Quixote when he left his village. (WHO1 takes his sword) I did not wish to reveal my name until deeds done in your service and for your benefit do so for me, but the need to adapt this ballad of Lancelot to the present occasion has betrayed my name to you. (INNK shrugs to WHO1 and exits UL).

WHO2: What's he talking about?

DONQ: But the time will come when your ladyships may command me and I shall obey; and the valour of my arms will then disclose the desire I have to serve you.

WHO2: Did he say he's gonna disclose his desires soon?

WHO1: Yeah, well maybe he's got some money. (to DONQ) Well, first let us serve you, your worship, because you ain't going to be able to eat or even talk so we can hear you with this thing on your head.

WHO2: Yeah, come inside where we can get some hammers and stuff. (exeunt UL)

1.2 STUDENTS BEAT HIM UP, CECIAL TAKES HIM HOME

DONQ: (DONQ on, SAMS UL) Let the whole world stand still, if all in it do not confess that there is not in the whole world a more beauteous maiden then the Empress of La Mancha, the peerless Dulcinea del Toboso. (cross)

PUP* (Dulcinea)

SAMS: Sir Knight, we do not know who this good lady is of whom you speak. Show her to us and, if she is as beauteous as you say she is, we will most willingly acknowledge the truth you demand of us.

DONQ: If I were to show her to you, what merit would there be in your confessing so obvious a truth? The essence of the matter is that you must believe, confess, affirm, swear and maintain it without seeing her. If you do not, you must do battle with me, monstrous and prideful crew. Then come! One by one, as the law of chivalry requires, or all together, as is the custom and evil practice of men of your breed. Here I stand and await you, confident in the right which I have on my side.

SAMS: Sir Knight, I beg your worship in the name of all the princes here present that you will kindly show us a portrait of the lady, even if no bigger than a piece of cereal; you would not have us burden our consciences by testifying to something that we have never seen nor heard. I even think that we are so far inclined to her side already that even if your portrait shows her squinting in one eye and dripping worms and sulfur from the other, even then, to please you, we will say all that you ask in her favor.

DONQ: Her eyes do not drip, vile scoundrels. Her eyes do not drip what you say they drip, but rather droplets of rare spices and fine perfume. She does not squint nor is she humpbacked, but straighter than a spindle. And you shall pay for the blasphemy you have spoken against such transcendent beauty as is my lady's. (DONQ charges and falls) Flee not, you cowardly brood! Stay, you slavish crew! It is not my fault that I lie here! (SAMS beats DONQ with his own lance, and leave, DONQ tries to get up but cannot. SAMS exits DR) Oh, where are you, my lady, that you grieve not for my plight? Either you know not of it, or else you are faithless and light.

CECI: (DL) Who are you? Why are you lying there?

DONQ: Sir Baldwin, O noble Marquis of Mantua, my uncle and natural lord...

CECI: (gets the visor off) Master Quixada, who has put you in this plight? (carries him home)

DONQ: Be it known to your worship, Don Rodrigo de Narváez, that this beauteous Xarifa is now the fair Dulcinea del Toboso, for whom I, the piteous Moor Abindarráez, has done, am doing and shall do the most famous deeds of chivalry that the world has ever seen, can see or will see.

CECI: Look you, your worship, as I am a sinner, I am not Don Rodrigo de Narváez, nor the Marquis of Mantua, but your neighbor, Thomas Cecial. And your worship is not Baldwin or Abindarráez, but that worthy gentleman Master Quixada.

DONQ: I know who I am, and I know too that I am capable of being not only the characters I have named, but all the Twelve Peers of France, and all the nine worthies as well, for my exploits are far greater than all the deeds they have done.

CECI: Luckily it's dark enough that none of the townspeople see you battered and on so shameful a mount. Open your worships, to the Lord Marquis of Mantua and to Sir Baldwin, who comes sore wounded, and to Master Moor Abindarráez, whom the valorous Rodrigo de Narvaez, governor of Antequera, brings captive. (NIEC, BARB and PRIE come out and begin to embrace DONQ, DR)

DONQ: Stop, all of you, for I come sorely wounded. Carry me to my bed and, if it is possible, call the wise Urganda to examine and cure my wounds.

NIEC: In the name of misfortune! (to CECI) Thank you, good sir. (to DONQ) Come up, uncle. I'm glad to see you. We'll know how to cure you here, without sending for your Urganda. (PRIE, BARB, DONQ exeunt DR) Oh, confound, confound, confound those books of chivalry which have brought my uncle to this pass! (they lay him down to sleep)

PRIE: Could you could give me the keys to the library?

NIEC: Why do you want to go into that evil place?

PRIE: Those books in the library have enchanted him. Perhaps if the cause is removed, the effect might cease. Our first step must be to eliminate the cause of his delusions while he sleeps, and then seal up this doorway as if it never existed.

1.3 WHERE'S THE LIBRARY?

DONQ: (DR looking for the door) Niece! What has happened to my library?

NIEC: (UL comes over to DONQ) What library?

DONQ: Don't tell me you have forgotten the library where I spent so much time reading?

NIEC: Oh yes. An enchanter came one night on a cloud after you had left, and getting down from the dragon he was riding on, went into the room. I don't know what he did inside, but after a little while he went flying out through the roof, yelling about a secret grudge he bore the owner of those books, and left the house full of smelly smoke. When I went to see what he had done, the room and the books were all gone.

DONQ: Did he say his name?

NIEC: Yes, the sage Muñatón.

DONQ: Frestón, he must have said.

PUP* (magician on serpent)

NIEC: I don't know if he said Mestetón or Frestetón, I just remember that it had a 'tón' in it.

DONQ: He is a learned enchanter, and a great enemy of mine. He bears me malice, for through his powers he knows that in the fullness of time, I shall engage, in single combat, a knight whom he favors, and that I, Don Quixote, shall conquer him, and he will not be able to prevent it. That is why he tries to serve me every ill turn he can. But I promise him he cannot avert what heaven has decreed.

NIEC: There's no question about that. But why engage yourself in these quarrels? You are Master Quixada, my uncle, not some knight named Don Quixote. Wouldn't it be better to stay peacefully at home, and not roam around the world looking for problems never considering that many may go for wool but come back shorn?

DONQ: Dear niece, you aren't even close to understanding that before they shear me, I will pluck out the beards of all who think to touch so much as the tip of a single hair of mine! (returns to his bed)

PRIE: (DL) What was all that yelling about?

NIEC: Magicians.

PRIE: I had hoped that when he awoke, he'd be doing better and have left off of his magicians, enchanters and knight-errantry.

NIEC: He's the same. He could sneak off again at any time.

2.1 DON AND SANCHO

SANC: (UR) Mind, your worship, good Sir Knight Errant, that you don't forget about that island you promised me. For I shall be able to govern it no matter how big it is.

DONQ: You must know, friend Sancho Panza, that it was a custom of the knights errant of old to make their squires governors of the isles or kingdoms they won; and I am determined that, for my part, so beneficial a custom shall not lapse. On the contrary, I intend to improve on it; for they often, perhaps most often waited until their squires had grown old, and were worn out in their service. But if you live and I live, it may be but six days until I may win some kingdoms in the service of others, and one of them may prove just right for you to rule. Do not think this any great matter, for adventures befall knights errant in such unheard and unthought of ways that I easily may be able to bestow upon you much more than I promise.

SANC: At that rate, if I become King, then Juana GutiŽrrez, my wife would be Queen and my daughter a Princess?

DONQ: Who could doubt it?

SANC: Me. I can't imagine my wife of Queen of anything.

DONQ: Leave the matter in God's hands. He will give both of you what is best.

SANC: Yes, he'll probably just make me a count, or maybe a governor. Then she could be a countess or a . . . governess. Though, truly I would rather God find me a kingdom than an isle, for kingdoms are much less tropical.

DONQ: Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we could have wished. Look over there, friend Sancho Panza, where more than thirty monstrous giants appear. I intend to do battle with them and take all their lives. With their spoils we will begin to get rich, for this is a fair war, and it is a great service to God to wipe such a wicked brood from the face of the earth.

SANC: What giants?

PUP* (a large giant with flailing arms appears)

DONQ: Those you see there, with their long arms. Some giants have them six miles long.

SANC: Take care, those are not giants but windmills.

DONQ: It is quite clear that you are not experienced in this matter of adventures. They are giants, and if you are afraid, go away and say your prayers, whilst I advance and engage them in fierce and unequal battle. Do not fly, cowards, vile creatures, for it is but one knight alone who assails you.

PUP* (Don Quixote appears and charges at the giant)

SANC: Nobody could mistake those windmills for giants. (DONQ crashes into the windmill DL)

2.2 THE BATTLE OF SHEEP

DONQ: (UL) I think the same sage Frestón who robbed me of my room and my books turned those giants into windmills, to cheat me out of the glory of conquering them. Such is the enmity he bears me; but in the end his black arts shall avail him little against the power of my sword.

SANC: God send it as he will. But stand a bit more upright, sir, for you seem to be lop-sided. It must be from the bruises you got when you fell.

DONQ: That's is so, and if I do not complain, it is because a knight errant is not allowed to bemoan any wounds, even though his entrails may be dropping out through them.

SANC: If that's the case, I have nothing more to say. But I must say, for my own part, I have to cry out at the slightest pinch, unless this rule about not complaining covers knight errant's squires as well.

DONQ: Sancho, friend, truly I am charmed by your simplicity. You may complain as you wish, for I have never read anything contrary in the laws of chivalry. But, do you see that dust cloud rising over there? It is churned up by an army of various and innumerable nations that is marching this way.

SANC: There must be two armies, then. For I see a cloud that way as well.

DONQ: The army over there is led and commanded by the great emperor Pentapol’n, lord of the great island of Taprobana, the other is the army of his enemy, the king Alafanfarón of the naked arm, so called because he always rides into battle with his right arm bare.

PUP* (two armies pop up)

SANC: Why do these two lords hate each other?

DONQ: Because this Alafanfarón is a furious pagan, and is in love with Pentapol’n's daughter, a very lovely, and what is more, a very gracious lady, and a Christian, whose father will not give her to the pagan king unless he first forswears the faith of his false prophet.

PUP* (furious pagan, Christian girl and priest run around)

SANC: By my beard. but that Pentapol’n is right, and I'll help him all I can.

DONQ: In that you will be doing your duty, Sancho. That knight over there in bright yellow armor, with a crowned lion kneeling at a damsel's feet on his shield, is the valorous Laurcalco, lord of the silver bridge. The other with gigantic limbs, is the undaunted Brandabarbarán of Boliche, Lord of the three Arabias; he wears a serpent's skin for armor, and has for a shield a gate which, report has it, is one of the gates of the temple that Samson pulled down when with his death he avenged himself on his enemies.

PUP* (Laurcalco and Brandabarbarán pop up)

SANC: Yes. What is strange is that I do not see them. Perhaps it's an enchantment, like the windmills.

DONQ: How can you say that? Can you not hear the horses neighing and the trumpets blaring and the beating of the drums?

SANC: The only thing I can hear is the great bleating of rams and ewes.

DONQ: It is your fear which prevents your seeing or hearing correctly. If you are so afraid, stand aside a little and leave me alone, for I by myself am capable of ensuring victory to the party I support.

SANC: Turn back, Don Quixote, for I swear to God, sir, they are rams and ewes you are going to attack! Turn back! Oh, I wish I had never been born! What madness is it this time? Look, there aren't any serpent skin armors or temple gates! What are you doing? Poor sinner that I am. (Sheep come on, DONQ kills some and is overrun) Didn't I tell you to turn back. For those were no armies; they were flocks of sheep

DONQ: What a way that scoundrel of an enchanter, my enemy, has of transforming things. But I am very badly off. You will deliver my dying words to Dulcinea del Toboso. (begins writing)

SANC: You seem not so bad as all that, Sir.

DONQ: Go, with all speed, (Sancho steps), and take this letter (Sancho comes back) and return quickly.

SANC: Who is this Dulcinea you speak of? How shall I find her?

DONQ: You shall go to Toboso without speaking to anyone or stopping for food or drink and go to the castle of Dulcinea and kneel before her and tell her that I am here dying and that only her love can revive me.

2.3 PRIEST AND BARBER FIND SANCHO

PRIE: (UL) Well, if we try to contradict Quixada about his knighthood, he'll just yell at us. And he has weapons.

BARB: Well, we'll have to think of a reason for his coming home that fits in with his delusions. But I wish we hadn't told the niece we would bring him home as quickly as possible, so we could watch him in one of his battles. Isn't that man Sancho Panza who, so our adventurer's niece told us, went off with her uncle as his squire?

PRIE: Yes, it is. Friend, Sancho Panza, where did you leave your master?

SANC: (DL) He's in a certain place doing some certain stuff that I couldn't tell you about for all the eyes in my head.

BARB: No, no, Sancho Panza, if you do not tell us where he is, we shall imagine - in fact we already do - that you've killed and robbed him. Yes, you'll certainly have to produce him, or it'll be the worse for you. (she nods at him, PRIE nods at him)

SANC: Your threats have no effect on me. I'm not a man to rob or murder anyone. Let every man die when his fate decrees, or when God his maker calls him, and there's a cure for everything except death. My master is over that way. He does think he's dying, through no fault of my own, but he's probably just bruised, and has sent me to deliver this letter to his lady Dulcinea del Toboso. (looks for letter) Oh, I've let my governorship slip through my fingers.

BARB: How's that?

SANC: I've told you his secrets and furthermore I've lost the letter written by my master. But, perhaps, I have it memorized anyway . . . Sublime and suppressed lady, he that is oppressed through much sleep and wakefulness, and wounded kisses your heart and hand, oh, most thankfulness beauty. Then something like... All my health and sickness I send you, and so forth, Yours until death, Don Quixote.

PRIE: You have a most excellent memory.

SANC: Yes, well, once I bring her this message, my master will set out to becoming emperor. or at least monarch, which is a thing that can be managed very easily. Then he will find a wife for me, for by that time I'll probably be a widower, and I'll marry one of the Queen's waiting-women, the heiress to a rich estate on dry land, and none of your islands, for I have no use for them.

PRIE: (to BARB) I'm astonished at the strength of the master's madness to carry this poor man along with it.

BARB: Well, let's not go to the trouble of dispelling his illusion. It's probably better to leave him in it, since it's so amusing. (to SANC) Yes, once we find him he might very well become emperor, but first you must bring us to him.

SANC: But he has sent me to deliver his message.

PRIE: We have a different plan. The barber will dress up as a damsel in distress and I as her squire. She'll throw herself at your master's feet and beg a boon of him. As a valorous knight errant, he won't refuse, and the boon will be to redress an injury which a wicked knight has inflicted. The important thing is you must not tell your master who we are, and you must say that you delivered the message by mouth to Dulcinea, and that she bid him to come see her. This is essential, and if you do this, and we do what we're doing, we'll get him back on the road to becoming an emperor or at least a monarch.

SANC: O.k., follow me. (exeunt DL)

2.4 PRIEST AND BARBER TRICK QUIXOTE INTO RETURNING

SANC: (UR) Master, I have returned from your lady Dulcinea, and I've brought a damsel in need.

BARB: (falls on her knees at DONQ's feet) I will not arise from here, valorous and courageous knight, until your goodness and courtesy grant me a boon, which will be testimony to the honour of your name, and to the advantage of this most disconsolate and wrongŽd damsel beneath the sun.

DONQ: I will grant it freely, provided that you shall rise at once, (BARB rises) and that my compliance be not to the disservice or prejudice of my King, my country, or of the lady who holds the key to my heart.

BARB: (BARB kneels again) What I ask is that by your magnanimity, you shall come with me instantly where I shall lead you; and that you promise me to engage in no other adventure or enterprise until you have avenged me on a traitor who has usurped my kingdom in despite of all law, human or divine. Our borders were breached by a giant, known as Pandafilandro of the Frowning . . . Eyebrow, for it is a well known fact that although his eyes are straight and set in the proper place, he always squints as if he were cross-eyed. This he does out of ill will and to strike fear and dread into all on whom he looks. I consulted a sage who instructed me to leave my kingdom for Spain, where I should find relief for my troubles by meeting a knight errant, whose renown would extend throughout the whole kingdom.

PUP* (Pandafilandro)

DONQ: That must be me. I repeat that I grant your request, and so you may rises and (BARB rises again) cast off the melancholy which oppresses you, and allow your fainting hopes to recover new strength and courage. For, with the help of God and my right arm, you shall soon see yourself restored to your kingdom, despite all rogues who would oppose it. Sancho, fetch my armor, let us go hence, in God's name, to succor this great lady. (SANC begins to dress DONQ center, PRIE and BARB off left) How did you find Dulcinea?

SANC: As you have imagined. But to tell the truth, Sir, I forgot the letter.

DONQ: Yes, I found it there on the ground. It grieved me deeply. I thought you would come back as soon as you missed it.

SANC: So I would have, had I not learned it by heart.

DONQ: Do you remember it now, Sancho?

SANC: As soon as I said it to her, I saw it would be of no more use, and it went straight out of my head.

DONQ: You have not been gone long. From which I conclude that the sage necromancer, who is my friend and looks after my affairs -- for I certainly have such a friend or I should not be a true knight errant -- must have carried you through the air without your knowing it.

SANC: That may be so, for I seemed to fly as if I had twenty-seven feet and not just these two.

DONQ: Yes, twenty-seven! But, tell me, you were in her castle! When you stood close to her, did you not smell a spicy odour, an aromatic fragrance, something unutterably sweet to which I cannot give a name? An essence, an aroma, as if you were in some rare exotic shop?

SANC: All I can say is that I got a sniff of something rather mannish. It must have been because she was running with sweat.

DONQ: It would not be that. You must have had a cold or have smelt yourself.

SANC: Perhaps. Then she said she had rather see you than write to you, and that you should set out at once on the road to El Toboso, if more important business didn't prevent you.

DONQ: And, in the ancient and time-worn custom among ladies to reward squires or dwarfs who bring them news from their knights, did she give you a jewel in gratitude for the welcome news.

SANC: That's a good custom, but nowadays the custom seems to be to give a bit of bread and cheese. Or that's what she gave me anyhow.

DONQ: What do you think I ought to do about my lady's command to come and see her? For, although I am clearly obliged to fulfill her behests, I find myself prevented by the boon I have granted to the Princess, and the law of chivalry requires me to put my oath before my pleasure. What I propose to do is to go quickly to the place where this giant is, cut off his head, restore the Princess to the throne, and instantly return to behold the light which illuminates my senses.

3.0 SHAKESPEARE AND CERVANTES AND THE PLAY WITHIN A PLAY

MOV* SHAK: And, so, once again you direct Don Quixote home to be cured, though I suppose he isn't cured.

MOV* CERV: Yes, that's the main action, but there are some substories.

MOV* SHAK: Yes, the plays within the play. Do they compliment the main action?

MOV* CERV: A bit, there is one called the tale of foolish curiosity. In it we learn what happens to those who wish to tempt their wives to prove their chastity. Anselmo gets his friend, Lothario, to agree to try to seduce his wife, Camilla. At first, he doesn't really try, because he thinks it wrong. Then he falls in love with her and woos her all he can, until she gives in. Now that Camilla and Lothario have something to hide, his purpose changes. He continues to report to Anselmo that he's wooing her and she's not giving in. Before, it was a lie because he wasn't really wooing. Now it's a lie because she's really giving in. A similar scenario to the schemes devised for Quixote's benefit. When Quixote or Anselmo want to hear something badly enough, those around them will pretend for them. Their persistence will allow them to hear what they want to hear, but such placations are committed in word only.

PUP* (Anselmo, Lothario, Camilla)

MOV* SHAK: And what about this business of a translator?

MOV* CERV: Cid Hamete Benengali, a Arabical Moor, is my story's translator. Like all books of Chivalry, my Quixote was not actually written by me, but translated from obscure scrolls which I unearthed.

MOV* SHAK: Of course, how confusing. Perhaps Benengali may come in handy as a buffer between you and your knight, or you and the critics.

MOV* CERV: Would you like to meet him.

MOV* SHAK: 'Tis meet I should.

MOV* CERV: Cid Hamete, come out here.

HAME: Yes, master, (bows) what is your wish?

MOV* CERV: I just wanted you to meet Shakespeare.

HAME: A great honor.

MOV* SHAK: It is strange that we should be meeting one of the characters?

MOV* CERV: Yes, and things are about to get stranger. The characters are going to find out they're characters.

3.1 SAMSON CARRASCO HAS SEEN THE PLAY

SANC: (DR) Last night Bartholomew Carrasco's son arrived, having completed his studies in Salamanca. He told me that your History is a popular play. He says that I'm in it, and so is the lady Dulcinea del Toboso, and so are other matters which happened to us in private. It made me cross myself in wonder, to think how the playwright could have learned all that.

DONQ: You may be certain, Sancho, that the author of this play must be some sage enchanter.

SANC: Yes, he has an enchanting sounding name too, Cid Hamete Benengali.

DONQ: But, that is the name of a Moor.

SANC: If you'd like to have me bring the Bachelor here, I'll go for him like a shot.

DONQ: That would be doing me a great favor friend. (SANC goes into audience) The blood of my enemies is scarcely dry on my sword-blade, yet they would have it that my noble deeds are already scripted and performed, and by a Moor no less. (stands) If such sage were a friend, he could extol me as the most remarkable of any Knight Errant, or if he be my enemy, he could annihilate me as the basest and meanest inferior Squire ever mentioned. But a play! I am favorably disposed towards plays and towards actors and actresses as well, for they are all instrumental in conferring a great benefit on the commonwealth, holding up to us at every step a mirror in which the actions of human life are vividly portrayed. You've all seen plays, with Kings, Emperors, and Popes, knights, ladies and various other personages brought on to the stage? One plays a ruffian, another a cheat, here is a merchant, there a soldier, one is a wise fool, another a foolish lover. But when the play is over, and they all have taken off their costumes, all the actors are equal. Now the same thing happens in the comedy and traffic of the world, wherein some play emperors, others Popes and, in fact, every role that can be introduced into a play. But when we come to the end, which is when life is over, Death strips them all of the robes that distinguished them, and they are all equals in the grave.

SAMS: (from audience with SANCho, goes down on his knees) Your Mightiness, Don Quixote de la Mancha. Give me, O Greatness, your hand, for by the habit of St. Peter, which I wear, you are one of the most complete Knights Errant, that hath ever been, or shall be upon the roundness of the earth.

DONQ: So, it is true. Which of my exploits are most highly praised in this performance?

SAMS: About that, there are different opinions. Some favor the adventure of the wind-mills which seemed to your worship giants. Others the two armies which proved afterwards to be flocks of sheep. The sage left nothing in his inkwell. He tells us everything and dwells on every point.

MOV* (windmills, sheep, people laughing)

DONQ: In my opinion, they might in all fairness have kept quiet about all that. (sits) For there is no reason to include all those actions which do not change or affect the truth of the story, if they do discredit to the hero. Aeneas was not as pious as Virgil paints him, I promise you, nor Ulysses as prudent as Homer describes him.

SAMS: There are some who think, Sancho, that you are foolish to believe in the governorship of the island Don Quixote has promised you.

DONQ: Leave it to God, Sancho, and all will be well.

SAMS: That's the truth Sancho, for if God wills it, you shall have a thousand isles to govern, let alone one.

SANC: I have seen governors around here, who to my thinking, do not come up to the sole of my shoe, yet they are called 'your worship' and served off silver. However, I thought I had made it clear to God and everyone else that a kingdom would suit me much better than an isle.

SAMS: Certainly. Another fault many find in the play is that the author has included a play within the play, called The Tale of Foolish Curiosity. Not that it's badly acted, but it has nothing to do with the story of his worship Don Quixote.

DONQ: Now I believe that the author of my story is no sage, but an ignorant chatterer, and that he set it down blindly with no method, like the painter Orbaneja of Ubeda, who, when asked what he was painting, would answer "Whatever it ends up being."

MOV* ( HAME is writing, and looks up, insulted)

SAMS: No, in fact, it's so straightforward even children enjoy it. Yet some are confused about how easily you believed Sancho returning so quickly from seeing Dulcinea del Toboso.

SANC: I'm not prepared to go into details or accounts, for I've got a stomach ache. If you'll know any more of me, here I am, who will answer only to the King himself, in person; and let no one else come between us.

SAMS: The play includes what Sancho just said, which shall make it twice as good as it was. Than we can raise the price of admission.

MOV* ( HAME is annoyed)

SANC: Are we trying to make money from this? It will be amazing if we makes any, especially if we sit here talking about it. What I mean is, we should be in the field, undoing injuries and righting wrongs, as is the custom of good knights errant.

DONQ: I agree. (tries to get up, sits again) We shall leave in a few days. However, none of us may mention this to anyone, especially my niece, the priest or the barber, lest they hinder our noble purpose.

SAMS: You have my word. (goes out to the PRIEst and the BARBer in secret conference) We need to decide on a means of inducing the knight to stay quietly and safely at home, without exciting himself with his wretched quests for adventures. I propose we should let Don Quixote set out, since it seems impossible to keep him back, and that I should take the road as a knight errant and join battle with him (PRIE and BARB giggle) -- a pretext would not be lacking -- and so vanquish him -- I reckon an easy matter -- and there should be a covenant and agreement between us that the vanquished should be at the mercy of the victor. So that, Don Quixote being thus overthrown, I could command him to return home to his village, and not to leave it for a year, or until he should be commanded otherwise.

BARB: And in that time, we shall surely find a cure.

PRIE: I agree, a good plan.

3.2 DULCINEA ENCHANTED

DONQ: (UL) I am eager to receive the blessing and the gracious leave of the peerless Dulcinea. That is why I have brought you here to the city of El Toboso, with which you are already familiar. I will wait here while you will go to her. Do not return to my presence without first speaking to my lady on my behalf, and begging her to be so good so as to allow herself to be seen by her captive knight, and to bestow her blessing upon him.

SANC: (walks D) I am going to look, as you might say, for nothing, for a Princess. Do I know her house? And have I ever seen her? No, neither I nor my master have ever seen her. And if the people should know I am here with the purpose of enticing away their Princess and disturbing their ladies, would it not be proper to deal with me with such a beating as to grind my ribs to powder and not leave a whole bone in my body? Yes they would certainly be in the right. Well, now there's a remedy for everything except death, and I have seen countless signs that this master of mine is a raving lunatic who ought to be tied up. His madness is the sort that generally confuses one thing for another, so it won't be very difficult to make him believe that the first peasant girl I run into is the lady Dulcinea. If he doesn't believe it, I'll swear, and if he swears, I'll outswear him, so that come what may, I shall hold out. He'll undoubtably think that one of these wicked enchanters who, he says have a grudge against him, has changed her shape to vex and spite him.

PEAS: (DR lying with bottles) I feel like puking for hours. I drank more last night than that whole donkey gang from Salamanca. (SANCho sees them and goes to get DONQ)

DULC: I slept with more of that donkey gang than you drank.

PEAS: What, ounce for ounce? (they laugh)

DULC: I have been waiting all morning to fart. It seems like it's never going to come out.

PEAS: Really? That's strange, you're usually quite able to bring your farts out. (tries to help DULC fart)

DULC: No, it's always like this. That's why they're so big when they do come out.

DONQ: (to SANCho) I see only three peasant girls. Where is Dulcinea?

SANC: That's her.

DONQ: No, that is only a village girl and her friends.

SANC: I look upon them and see one blaze of gold, all ropes of pearls, all diamonds, all rubies, all brocade of more than ten gold strands; their hair loose on their shoulders, like so many sunrays sporting in the wind. Wipe those eyes of yours and go do homage to the mistress of your thoughts.

MOV* (Dulcinea puppet)

DONQ: (to butt of DULC) O perfection of all desire! Pinnacle of human gentleness! Sole remedy of this afflicted heart that adores you! Now that the malignant enchanter persecutes me, has put clouds into my eyes, and has changed the peerless beauty of your countenance into the semblance of a poor peasant girl, and even if he has at the same time turned mine into the appearance of some vile form abominable to your sight, still, do not refuse to look at me softly and amorously, perceiving in this submission and prostration, which I make before your deformed beauty, the humility with which my soul adores you.

DULC: Tell it to my grandmother, you shriveled old wrinkle. (kicks him in the balls)

PEAS: (to SANCho) And don't you think about making any speeches or I'll puke on you. (they leave UL)

DONQ: Do you see now what a spite the enchanters have against me, Sancho? Do you see to what extremes the malice and hatred they bear me extends, to deprive me of the happiness I should have enjoyed in seeing my mistress in her true person? They have even deprived her of something most proper to great ladies, which is the sweet smell they have from always moving among flowers. For, I must tell you, Sancho, that when she came near, I got such a wiff of raw garlic as stank me out and poisoned me to the heart.

SANC: Oh, the curs. Oh wretched and spiteful enchanters! I should like to see them strung up by the gills. It should have been enough, you ruffians, to have changed the pearls of my lady's eyes into corktree knogs, and her hair of purest gold into red ox-tail bristles, and all her features, in fact, from good to bad without meddling with her smell. From that, at least my master might have discerned what lay beyond the ugly crust he saw, though if truth be told, I never saw her ugliness, but only her beauty, which was enhanced by a mole she had on her right lip, with seven or eight red hairs like threads of gold more than nine inches long.

DONQ: Such would be very long hairs for a mole.

SANC: But I can assure your worship, that there they were, as if they had been born with her.

DONQ: And to think I did not get to see them, Sancho! I am the most unfortunate of men.

3.3 THE KNIGHT OF THE MIRRORS

(DONQ AND SANC sleeping DL)

SAMS: (points to DONQ, kneels) This place seems to me rich in the silence and solitude my amorous meditations require.

DONQ: Brother Sancho, we have an adventure.

SANC: God make it a good one! Where is it?

DONQ: Turn your eyes, and you will see a knight errant.

SANC: How do you figure that's an adventure?

DONQ: This is the way adventures start.

SAMS: O most beautiful and ungrateful woman in all the world! How can it be possible, most serene Casildea de Vandalia, for you to allow your captive knight to be consumed and perish in perpetual wanderings and in hard and harsh labors?

SANC: Is he a knight in love?

DONQ: There is no knight errant who is not.

SAMS: Is it not enough that I have made all the knights of Navarre acknowledge you the most beautiful lady in the world, and all the knights of Leon, of Tartesia and of Castile, and all the knights of La Mancha as well?

DONQ: Not so, for I am of La Mancha.

SAMS: (stands) Who goes there? One of the happy, or of the afflicted?

DONQ: (crosses SANC) Of the afflicted.

SAMS: Then come to me, and you will find sorrow and misery itself. (they join them) Are you by chance in love?

DONQ: By ill chance I am, although the sufferings which arise from well placed affections should rather be considered benefits than calamities.

CECI: Let us go where we can talk squire-like about anything we choose, and leave these gentlemen, our masters, to speak of their loves.

SANC: That suits me. One can hear too much complaining.

CECI: I don't know if I can offer you any better, for this squirely life has left me too often bruised or malnourished. I have decided to give up this life and retire to my village and bring up my children, for I have three of them.

SANC: I have two. My little girl I especially look forward to bringing up as a countess. She's as tall as a lance, as fresh as an April morning, and as strong as a porter.

CECI: Those are qualities, that fit not only a countess, but also a nymph of the green wood. Oh, the little whore, the little whore, what muscles she must have!

SANC: She's no whore, nor was her mother, and neither of them will be, god willing, whilst I'm alive. Speak rather more politely, these words don't seem very well chosen.

CECI: Oh, how little you understand the play of compliments, Master Squire. Why, don't you know that when the horseman deals the bull a good lance thrust, or when anyone does a thing really well the crowd always shouts "Oh, the little whore, the little whore, that was nicely done?" You should disown any sons or daughters who don't earn their parents praise like that.

SANC: Yes, I disown them, and since you mean so well by it, your worship may clap a whole brothel on top of me, my children and my wife, for they are worthy of such praise. Would that I were with them now and not serving this knight, although he's more madman than knight.

CECI: When it comes to madmen, my master is the maddest. For to restore another man's wits, he's making a madman of himself. Foolish but valiant, and more a rogue than either.

SANC: That my master isn't. His soul's as clean as a pitcher. He can do no harm to anybody. There's no malice in him. A child could make him believe it's night at noonday. And for that simplicity, I love him as dearly as my heart-strings, and can't take to the idea of leaving him for all his wild imaginings.

CECI: All this talk seems to be making our tongues stick to our palates. I have a pretty good loosener. (gets a big bottle)

SANC: Do you carry this around with you?

CECI: Well, what do you think? Do I look like a wool and water squire? I carry a better meal on my back than a general takes with him when he goes on a march. (they drink)

SANC: Oh, the little whore, the little whore! What grand stuff it is! (they gradually pass out)

SAMS: My love has employed me as did his stepmother use Hercules, in many labors, promising me each time that at the end of the next one I should attain the goal of my hopes. She has commanded me to challenge and defeat Giralda, the giant of Seville, to plunge headlong into the cavern of Cabra - a fearful and unheard-of peril - and bring back a detailed account of what lay concealed in those dark depths, to weigh the three bulls of Guisando to the ounce, all of which I completed, then she commanded me to travel all through the provinces of Spain and make all knights errant confess that she alone surpasses in beauty all ladies today living, in which task I have conquered all the great knights I have encountered, including Don Quixote de la Mancha, light and mirror of all knights, and made him confess my Casildea is more beautiful than his Dulcinea.

DONQ: Of your worship's having conquered most of the knights errant in Spain, Sir Knight, even in the world, I say nothing. But that you conquered Don Quixote de la Mancha, I beg leave to doubt. It may be that it was some other resembling him, although there are few like him.

SAMS: What? By the Heavens above us, I did fight with Don Quixote and conquered him and forced him to yield. He is a man tall of stature, withered face, lanky, shriveled of limb, grizzled, and great mustaches, black and drooping, his squire is Sancho Panza and his mistress is Dulcinea del Toboso. Here is my sword (draws) if my words are not sufficient to confirm the truth of my victory.

DONQ: Calm yourself, Sir Knight, at least for a moment to listen to what I have to say. This Don Quixote is my best friend. I have evidence that it could not possibly be the same knight you conquered. However, he has many enchanters as his enemies, and one of them may have taken his form and allowed himself to be defeated so as to defraud Don Quixote of the renown which his high deeds of chivalry have acquired and reaped for him. And if all this is not enough, here you have Don Quixote himself, (draws) who will maintain this with his arms, in what manner you please.

SAMS: He that could conquer you, Don Quixote, when you were transformed, may very well hope to conquer you in your proper person.

DONQ: And what are you called?

SAMS: I am known as the Knight of the Mirrors, and, as the sun is rising, you can see that I am a reflection of a Knight ready to do battle with the true Don Quixote, light and mirror of all knights errant.

DONQ: Let us then wake the squires.

SAMS: The condition of our combat shall be that the vanquished shall be at the discretion of the victor.

DONQ: As long as that which is imposed on the vanquished does not transgress the bounds of chivalry.

SAMS: That is understood.

SANC: I will climb up there to better see the gallant encounter you are going to have with this knight.

DONQ: Perhaps you prefer to watch the bulls from out of danger?

SANC: To tell you the truth, I'm so astounded and terrified by that squire's monstrous nose now that I see it in the light that I daren't stay near him.

DONQ: So outrageous is it that, were I not the man I am, it would frighten me too.

DONQ defeats SAMS. Sancho comes running over

DONQ: I have defeated you, oh worthy adversary, Knight of the Mirrors, who has defeated most of the knights in Spain, including the imitator of Don Quixote, thereby transferring all their glory onto me. Now we shall see you unmasked.

SANC: But what if he should be as hideous as Sir Nose over there?

DONQ: (sees that it is SAMS) The appearance of Samson Carrasco himself. Mark you wizard, I'll not fall victim to this disguise!

MOV* (a wizard lying on the ground)

SANC: It is my opinion, Sir, that your worship should thrust your sword right into this man's mouth. He certainly looks like the Bachelor Samson Carrasco, but perhaps if you kill him, you'll be killing one of your enemies the enchanters.

DONQ: That is not bad advice, for the less enemies the better.

CECI: Wait, wait, (runs next to DONQ) that man is Samson Carrasco.

SANC: And your nose?

CECI: I have it here in my pocket

SANC: God bless my soul. Thomas Cecial, my friend and neighbor.

CECI: It is no illusion.

DONQ: (SAMS awakes) You are dead knight, if you do not confess that the peerless Dulcinea surpasses your Casildea de Vandalia in beauty.

SAMS: I confess.

DONQ: Also, you must confess that the knight you conquered was not Don Quixote de la Mancha, but was another resembling him, as I confess that you are not Samson Carrasco, but are another resembling him in an attempt to moderate the force of my wrath with a friendly face.

SAMS: I confess, I confess, please allow me to get up, I am suffocating.

SANC: But you are Cecial, and he is Carrasco?

CECI: Yes, as I told you.

SANC: Well, what is my daughter's name?

CECI: Mari Sancha.

SANC: My wife's?

CECI: Teresa.

SANC: Where did we bury the bottle on All Saints Day?

CECI: We threw it in the well.

SANC: Correct on all three. (to DONQ) Sir, may the Devil fly away with me here where I stand, as a true man and a Christian, if your worship doesn't agree that this man is in looks and knowledge exactly like Thomas Cecial, our neighbor.

DONQ: There is no call for the Devil to fly away with you, Sancho, either as a true man or as a Christian -- though I do not know what you mean. They do seem exactly alike; yet for all that, this man is not Thomas Cecial, for that would imply a very palpable contradiction. But this is no time to make these investigations, for that would be to plunge ourselves into inextricable labyrinths. But, believe me, friend, we must pray very earnestly to our Lord to deliver us from wicked wizards and enchanters.

SANC: (to CECI) You are too good of an enchanter. It is not prudent to speak to you anymore.

DONQ: Yes, we best be going. (they leave DR)

CECI: Knight of the Mirrors! A cracked mirror. Some cure we've found for him. They are mad, we wise, yet he is gone away sound and merry, whilst you are here bruised and sorrowful. Who then is the greater mad-man, he that is afflicted, or he that is so by choice?

SAMS: The difference between these mad men is that he that is afflicted, will always remain so, and he who by choice is so may leave it when he will.

CECI: Exactly, and I'm leaving it right now. I'm going home. (gets his bottle, etc.)

SAMS: It is fit you should. Yet I will not do so till I have soundly banged Don Quixote, and now I go not about to restore him to sanity, but to revenge my self on him: for the intolerable pain I feel in my ribs will not permit me a more charitable purpose.

3.4 CAVE OF THE MONTESINOS

DONQ: (UL) Sancho, I have a great desire to explore the cave of the Montesinos and see with my own eyes whether the marvels related about it are true.

SANC: Consider what you are doing, your worship. Don't bury yourself alive, and don't put yourself where you will be like a bottle hung down in a well to cool. Indeed, it's no concern of yours to explore this place.

DONQ: Bind me and be silent, for such an enterprise as this, Sancho, my friend, was reserved for me (UR).

SANC: (slacks off rope for DONQ) May God guide you, O flower, cream, and skimmings of knights errant! May you be brought back safe and unharmed to the light of the world which you have forsaken to bury yourself in the darkness you are seeking.

MOV* (DONQ finds himself in a meadow. An old man in a purple cloak approaches and brings him to a sleeping knight. The knight begins speaking in a tortured manner and the old man throws himself on his knees before the knight and cries. A procession of white turban wearing crying women comes through. DONQ follows them outside where he sees three girls playing. He goes to speak to one, but she skips away. He tries to follow, but the old man comes and discourages him from wasting his time. The two other girls come on either side of him smiling and he gives them his money and they too skip away)

SANC: (wakes DONQ) Welcome back to you, your worship.

DONQ: God pardon you, my friend, for you have robbed me of the sweetest existence and most delightful vision any human being has ever enjoyed or beheld. Now I positively know that the pleasures of this life pass like a shadow and a dream, and wither like the flowers of the field. Oh, unhappy lord Montesinos, O gravely wounded Durandarte! O luckless Belerma!

SANC: You met all those people?

DONQ: Them and many more knights and ladies are kept there, enchanted by Merlin for countless centuries.

SANC: Yes, of course. But, may God help me, I was going to say the Devil, if I believe one word.

DONQ: Would I lie?

SANC: No, I don't believe you are lying.

DONQ: Then what do you believe?

SANC: I believe that Merlin, or these enchanters, who bewitched the whole crowd, crammed that rigmarole into your head.

DONQ: All that could be so. But it is not. For what I told you of I saw with my own eyes. (DUCH enters UL) But, look there. Run Sancho, and tell that lady that I salute her great beauty and that if her Magnificence gives me leave I will go and kiss her hands, and serve her to the uttermost of my strength in all that her Highness may command me. And mind you, Sancho, how you speak.

SANC: (to audience) As if this were the first time in my life I've taken messages to high and mighty ladies. (goes to DUCH, bows) Beautiful lady, the knight you see yonder, Don Quixote de la Mancha, is my master, and I am Sancho Panza, sent to ask for your Highness' permission to come, with your approval goodwill and high-brow consent, and put his desire into effect; which is none other, as he says and I confirm, than to serve your lofty haughtiness and beauty.

DUCH: Indeed, good squire, you have delivered your message with all the ceremony such messages demand. I have read of you, and should be honored to have you and your master come serve me at my country estate nearby. (UL)

3.5a DUCHESS' ESTATE

DUCH: Now, you all understand your parts? Don Quixote must be treated as a gallant knight, and we must all speak to him in an appropriate courtly manner. He's quite mad, and his madness fits in with the books of chivalry. When he arrives, all must come up to welcome him in the courtly manner he has read about.

ECCL: (DR) The same Don Quixote de la Mancha of that book for which I have often remonstrated you for wasting your time on folly?

DUCH: Yes, the one and only great Don Quixote.

ECCL: Well I hope you do not expect me to participate in mocking such a frivolous and deluded gentleman.

DUCH: Here he comes. Most importantly, no laughing.

SER1: Welcome, o flower and cream of all knights errant.

SER2: O great Sir, God bless us all for honoring our home.

DONQ: (to himself) This is the first time I have found myself treated just as I have read knights were treated in past ages.

DUCH: Welcome, Sir, you must sit at the head of the table.

ECCL: So we can feed your head with the utmost of folly.

SERVants take off DONQ's armor, wash him, line up and bow, etc.

DUCH: (as they sit) Tell us, Don Quixote, have you any news of the lady Dulcinea?

DONQ: My lady, though my misfortunes had a beginning, they shall never have an end. She is enchanted and transformed into the ugliest peasant girl imaginable.

ECCL: Well perhaps everywhere this man goes, those he encounters create enchantments for him.

SANC: She seemed the loveliest beautiful creature in the world to me.

DUCH: Have you seen her enchanted, Sancho?

SANC: Have I seen her? Why, who the Devil was it but I who first thought of this enchantment business?

ECCL: (to DUCH) You will have to account to the Lord for this good man's doings. This Don Quixote, or Don Fool, or whatever you call him, cannot be such an idiot, I imagine, as your Excellency would have him be, seeing the opportunities you put in his path to carry on with his nonsense. (to DONQ) And you, simpleton, who has driven it into your brain that you are a knight errant? Go home, and see to your family and your estate. Where did you learn that knights errant exist today, or ever did? And you (to SANC), whoever made you believe that you would profit from this madness?

DUCH: Sancho wishes for an isle, perhaps I will give him one, for I have several.

SANC: So much for dry land. But I'm not one to grumble about what my hostess puts on my plate.

ECCL: Your Excellency is as stupid as these two sinners. They may well be mad if the sane sanction their insanity. (gets up to leave)

DONQ: The place where I am and the company I am in, and the respect I have and have always had for men of your calling hold back the hands of my just indignation. And so, for those reasons, and because the weapons of men of the cloth are the same as women's, the tongue, I will enter with the same weapon into equal battle with you, though I might have expected good counsel from you instead of infamous reproaches.

ECCL: You have spoken wisely, and therefore, if you will accompany me, perhaps I may give you such counsel away from the corrupting influence of all these actors who play to increase your insanity. (leaves with DONQ UL)

DUCH: Now tell us Sancho, what of this enchantment?

SANC: Now, the first thing I say is that I reckon my master Don Quixote's stark raving nuts, so I don't mind making him believe things without rhyme or reason in them, like my lady Dulcinea's enchantment. For I made him believe it though it's no more true that the moon's made of cheese.

DUCH: If he's mad, and you follow him knowing this, you must be more a madmen than your master.

SANC: This is true. I should have left my master days ago if I had been wise. But, it is my lot and my ill luck, I can do nothing else, I have to follow him; we're of the same village; I have eaten his bread; I love him dearly; I'm grateful to him; and what's more, I'm faithful; and so it's impossible for anything to part us except the man with the pick and shovel.

DUCH: This is truly commendable. But to come to the matter of which we were speaking, I know that the peasant girl really was and is the true Dulcinea del Toboso, and that it was the good Sancho who was deceived, though he may think he is the deceiver.

SANC: All that may well be. Now I'm prepared to believe my master's tale of the cave of the Montesinos. I should never have presumed I could invent such a shrewd trick on the spur of the moment with my poor wits.

DUCH: Well, now we'll put your wits to the test, go off to govern your island. (SER1 and SER2 carry him off DR)

3.5b SANCHO's ISLE

SER2: (SER1 and SER2 carry him in from DR to throne as the masses applaud) Governor Sancho, welcome to your island, Barataria. Do you have any edicts?

SANC: Yes, may supper be served, and may someone tell me how I came to be on an island without going on a ship.

STEW: There are many who have come to realize that some of the best islands are on the mainland. Now, what will you have for supper?

SANC: You needn't give me choice things and delicate dainties, for that would mean wrenching my stomach off its hinges. It's used to kid, beef, bacon, salt meat, turnips and onions, and if it's given palace food by chance, it takes it with queasiness and sometimes with grumbling. I'd like mixed stews - as they call them; and the stronger they are the higher they smell. He can shove in it anything he likes so long as it's good to eat, and I'll thank him for it, and pay him one day. But let no one fool me; for either we are or we aren't. Let's all live and eat in peace and friendship, for when God sends daylight it's dawn for all. I shall govern this isle without waving a right or taking a bribe.

STEW: That stew you shall not have whilst I am alive.

SANC: But it is quite tasty.

STEW; Hippocrates, pole-star and light of medicine says "Omnis indigestio mala perdis autem pessima" which means all excess is bad, but stew is the worst.

SANC: If that's so, I'll have something simpler, perhaps some rabbit.

STEW: That would be better if they were not such a furry food.

SANC: Veal?

STEW: The only veal we have has been roasted with a pickle sauce (SANC is excited), so it is out of the question.

SANC: (deflated) But...

SER2: Don Sancho Panza, Governor of the Isle of Barataria, I have a message from the Duchess for you or your secretary.

SANC: Who here is my secretary, for I cannot read. (demands until someone in the audience volunteers.)

VOLU: It has come to my knowledge that some enemies of mine and this isle will deliver a furious assault upon it, though on what night it is uncertain. You must keep watch. I have also learnt from trustworthy spies that four personages have entered your island in disguise to take your life, for they are afraid of your abilities. Watch all who come to speak to you and eat nothing that is set before you. . . . yours truly, the Duchess.

SANC: As for these four personages, be it known that all personages shall be cast off the island, and as for eating nothing, surely hunger is the worst of all deaths, bring me some bread and four pounds of grapes. There can be no poison in them.

STEW: A business-man wishes to see you on a matter of great importance.

SANC: Can these businessmen really be so stupid that they think suppertime is a time for business?

BUSI: Your worship, I am a married man, or I would be had not a wicked doctor killed my wife...

SANC: So, if your wife hadn't been killed you would be married.

BUSI: My son has fallen in love with the daughter of Parelino, a name that does not come to the family by descent or ancestry, but because everyone in the family is paralytic, but to tell you the truth, this daughter is like an oriental pearl, and viewed from the right side is like a flower of the field. From the left she isn't so good, for she is short an eye that she lost from small-pox. And though she has a great number of large pits on her face, her admirers say they aren't pits, but graves which the souls of her lovers lie buried, for there must have been quite a few. Her nose is cocked right up, as they say, to avoid smelling her face and looks as if it's running away from her mouth. If I could paint her elegance and the height of her body, it would be something to marvel at. Yet that I can't do because she's bent and shrunken, and her knees meet her chin. She would have given my son her hand in marriage by now, but she can't stretch it out because it's withered; but even so, you can tell how fine and shapely it is by her long cloven nails. There is only one thing I should like to ask, only I daren't mention it. But to let it come out, I'd like your worship to give me two hundred or six hundred ducats to help toward my bachelor's dowry, that is to buy them silverware, for they'll have to live on their own and take care of themselves without any assistance from anyone.

SANC; Think, sir, carefully, if there's anything else you'd like, don't let shame or bashfulness prevent your mentioning it.

BUSI: No, nothing at all, only six or eight hundred ducats.

SANC: (screams) Why you villainous son of a whore! Where have I got six hundred ducats? And why should I give them to you, even if I had them, rogue and idiot! Get out or I'll break your head open with this chair!

SER2: Arm yourself! Countless enemies have invaded the isle! We are lost unless your valour and skill can save us!

SANC: What do I know of arms?

SER2: You must arm yourself, be our leader and captain. (They tie Sancho between two shields, knock him over and spin him around while screaming)

STEW: Bring the grenades, The enemy is pressing harder over here!

SER2: Barricade the streets, bring the kettles of boiling oil!

STEW: Victory! The enemy is beginning to fly! Here lord governor, arise and enjoy your conquest, divide the spoils taken from the enemy by the valour of your invincible arm!

SANC; Lift me up. (they do so) I beg some friend, if I have one, to give me a drink of wine. (SER2 gets wine) Now I shall go back to my master, and seek the life I left. St. Peter is well at Rome, I mean naked I was born and naked I am now; I neither loose nor gain. I mean I came into this government without a farthing, and I leave it without one, contrary to the ways of governors of other isles. Here I leave the ant wings that carried me up into the air for birds to peck at. Every ewe to her mate, and let no one stretch his leg more than the length of his bed.

SER2: You must not go, sir.

STEW: I promise to reform my ways, and let you eat abundantly of everything you like.

SANC: Too late, I would as soon turn Turk as stay. I am a Panza, and we are all stubborn. If we cry odds, odds it must be, even though it's evens, in spite of all the worlds. Let me go now, for it's getting late. (the masses sigh. SER1 and SER2 carry him back and the masses cheer.)

3.5c PUPPET SHOW

SAMS: Quixada is here?

DUCH: Don Quixote is just outside, and Sancho is in the east tower, though he thinks it's his island.

SAMS: I have prepared a show to wake Don Quixote from his delusions. He will confront that we no longer live in the past ages.

DUCH: Splendid, I'm quite in the mood for a show.

DUCH: (SER1 and SER2 bring SANC back) Sancho, back from his isle, (DONQ wanders in) and Don Quixote, I see you have chased off the critic. Good timing, the show is about to begin.

SAMS: (puts on glasses, embracing DONQ's legs) O illustrious reviver of the now forgotten profession of knight-errantry, O Don Quixote de la Mancha, thou canst never be praised enough, bringer of courage to the faint of heart, support of those that are about to fall, arm of the fallen, staff and counsel of all unfortunate. (turning to SANC, still hugging DONQ,) And thou, O worthy Sancho Panza, the best squire to the best Knight in the world.

DONQ: He who reads much and travels far sees much and learns a great deal. I am that same Don Quixote de la Mancha, though you go too far in praise of me. But whatever sort of man I may be, I thank heaven that it has endowed me with a tender and compassionate heart, always inclined to do good to all and evil to none. But enough of this. (instructing SAMS to rise) Let us go now to the show, for I fancy there will be something novel about it.

SAMS: What do you mean, something? This spectacle of mine has sixty thousand novelties to offer; but though ye believe me not, believe the works. Fall to! For it is growing late and we have much to do and say and show. Welcome to Master Pedro's Show. This is my servant. We shall explain the mysteries of the performance. (Servant plays)

MOV* (DONQ and SANC across the street from the hotel)

PUP* (Quixote and SANC dismount and attempt to pass the moat of the castle represented as a rook with a moat around it) but it keeps moving away from them. The servant plays a Spanish lick)

DONQ: (to SANC simultaneous to PUP) Look Sancho, I have given considerable thought to the extraordinary, and having witnessed this, it is my personal opinion that Master Pedro must have a pact with the devil, either tacit or express.

SANC: If it is an express package from the devil, then perhaps it should remain unopened.

DONQ: You don't understand me, Sancho. What I mean to say is, he must have made some bargain with the devil for Satan to give him this power so that he, Master Pedro, can earn a living by it.

PUP* (a drawbridge is lowered from the rook. DONQ and SANC walk across the drawbridge. The servant plays the Spanish lick DONQ and SANC enter the castle and there is a courtier with one arm extended)

SER1: (plays, then speaks when the courtier pops up) The humble governor of the castle raises his voice and cries out to the knight "Welcome, O mirror, beacon, and north star of all knight-errantry, in the full sense of the word. You are, I repeat, very welcome indeed, O valiant Don Quixote de la Mancha - not the false, not the fictitious, not the apocryphal one that we read of in mendacious histories that have appeared of late by the unknown Avellaneda, but the true and legitimate one, the real one that Cid Hamete Benengali, flower of historians, has portrayed for us."

DONQ: Who is this Avellaneda who writes false histories of me?

SANC: He must be one of the enchanters.

DONQ: Keep to the straight line of your story and do not go off on curves and tangents!

SAMS: Don't try any flourishes but do as the gentleman says, that is the safest way. Stick to your plain song and don't try any counterpoint melodies, for that's the way the strings get brokenÉ

SER1: I will do so.

MOV* (DONQ and SANC arrive at their grimy room)

PUP* (A chandelier falls from the ceiling, and DONQ and SANC lay down. )

MOV* (four whores come in and all start shooting up.)

PUP* (four court ladies pop up and start dropping handkerchiefs around.

MOV* (a pimp shows up and starts collecting money)

PUP* (a moor with a turban sneaks in and begins hypnotizing the ladies with a large bell)

SER1: Note the strange thing that is about to happen now, the like of which has never been seen before, it may be. Behold that Moor who silently and stealthily, a finger on his mouth, creeps up, "I am Lirgandeo the magician, great friend of Urganda the Unknown, mortal enemy of Amadis of Gaul and all his kin."

DONQ: No, that won't do. In this matter of bells you are far from accurate, for bells are not in use among the Moors; instead they employ drums. (HAME pops out with drums looking for a gig) So, you can see that this business of bells ringing is beyond a doubt a great piece of nonsense.

SAMS: Don't be looking for trifles, Señor Don Quixote, or expect things to be impossibly perfect. Are not a thousand comedies performed almost every day that are full of inaccuracies and absurdities, yet they run their course and are received not only with applause (waits for applause) but with admiration and all the rest? Go on, boy, (to the SER1) for so long as I fill my wallet, it makes no difference if there are as many inaccuracies in my show as there are motes in the sun.

DONQ: (taken aback, yet gracious) You have spoken the truth.

MOV* (the pimp begins beating all of them.)

DONQ: Never as long as I live and in my presence will I permit such violence to be done. Halt, lowborn rabble; cease your pursuit and persecution, or otherwise ye shall do battle with me! (attacks the screen)

4.0 AVELLANEDA in puppet show

SHAK: That was truly ridiculous. But, did you hear the servant talking about this false play called The second part of Don Quixote, the one said to be produced by an Avellaneda?

PUP* CERV: Yes, I was just thinking about that. I have read his script. He confuses the characters' names, portrays Don Quixote out of love with Dulcinea, and Sancho as a witless glutton. But although injuries awaken anger in the meekest hearts, I am content to let Avellaneda sin be his punishment. By chance, do you know where I might find him?

SHAK: Truly, would that I did, but he hides behind strange pseudonyms. But I implore you to defeat your imitator on his own terms, or rather, your own terms. For was it not you who first introduced the idea of the false Quixote? Samson Carrasco disguised as the Knight of the Mirrors claimed he had defeated a Don Quixote. Don Quixote identified an imitator, and even claimed the glory for defeating the imitator through conquering Samson Carrasco.

PUP* CERV: I am tired of such games. I shall simply show, in my ending the same hand that crafted the earlier scenes, and will put the matter to rest with the knight himself dead and buried, so that none but necromancers presume to raise him again. After all, it is not Samson and Quixote's invention of a Quixote imitator that is significant, rather it is that Samson has sworn to return and defeat Don Quixote into retirement. In fact, I am quite anxious now that he should do so.

SHAK: But, so much more is possible. What of Cid Hamete Benengali?

HAME: Yeah.

SHAK: What of Don Quixote meeting his imitator? By this point in the action, the idea of people from Quixote's village dressing up and playing along with his game to trick him into returning, has already been done. It is no longer relevant or interesting. The forces undermining Quixote and yourself at this point, excuse me for saying so, are no longer so familiar or simple. The Knight of the Mirrors could reflect much more.

PUP* CERV: Now you too are writing scripts for my character? Allow an old man to settle his own scores. In fact, when Samson returns, I will have him take on a different and irrelevant title to your whole obsession with imitation and mirrors, in which I am not interested seeing what ill-fruit it has born, and which I regret bringing it into the play to begin with. He shall become the Knight of White Moon, an object incapable of mortal reflection. Or perhaps you think you can better avenge my dishonor for me with your own Don Quixote play? Go forth and produce it.

SHAK: Perhaps I shall.

4.1 QUIXOTE VS. THE KNIGHT OF THE WHITE MOON

SAMS: (DR) Illustrious knight, and never sufficiently praised Don Quixote de la Mancha, I am the Knight of the White Moon, whose unparalleled deeds may perhaps recall his name to your memory. If I am victorious you will retire to your village for a period of one year in which you agree to forsake arms and abstain from seeking adventures. If you conquer me, my head will be at your mercy, the spoils of my armor shall be yours, and the renown of my deeds shall be transferred to you.

DONQ: (UL) I accept your challenge upon the conditions you have named, except for the transfer of your renown. For I do not know what your deeds may be, and I am content with my own, such as they are. Take, then, whichever side of the field you wish, and may heaven bless whomsoever God favors. (they joust, DONQ looses)

SAMS: You are vanquished knight.

DONQ: Dulcinea is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am unworthy of her. Drive your lance home, and rid me of life, since you have robbed me of honour.

SAMS: That I shall not do. But, as I have specified, you are now a retired knight. (to SANC unmasks) Take him home.

SANC runs to DONQ's aid

DONQ: Now I will have to wait one year before I can fulfill my destiny to travel into Barbary, and with the strength and vigour of this Arm, give liberty to all the Christian captives. (SANC leads him away)

4.2 QUIXOTE'S DEATH

DONQ: Blessed be Almighty God, who has vouchsafed me this great blessing! Indeed his mercies are boundless, nor can the sins of men limit or hinder them.

NIEC: What is this you say? What mercies? What sins?

DONQ: My judgment is now clear and free from the misty shadows of ignorance. My ill-starred and continuous reading of those detestable books of chivalry had obscured it. Now I know that their absurdities and their deceits, and the only thing that grieves me is that this discovery has come too late, and leaves me no time to make amends by reading other books, which might enlighten my soul. Although I have been a madman, I would rather prove otherwise before my death. Bring my friends, Sancho, the priest, and the barber. I want to confess and make my will.

PRIE: We are already here.

DONQ: Congratulate me, now that all profane histories of knight errantry are odious to me, I know my folly now, and the peril I have incurred from reading them.

PRIE: (to BARB) Some fresh madness has certainly seized him.

BARB: Must you come out with that now, Don Quixote, just when we have news that the lady Dulcinea is disenchanted? No more of that, I pray you. Return to your senses and cease your idle tales.

DONQ: Tales? Up to now they have been only too real at my expense. But, with heaven's aid, my death shall turn them to my profit. For I fear that I am rapidly dying, and in such extremities a man must not jest with his soul.

SANC: Oh, don't die master! Take my advice and live for many years. For the maddest thing a man can do in this life is to let himself die just like that, without anybody killing him, but just finished off by his own melancholy. Don't be lazy, let us go search for Dulcinea disenchanted and as pretty as a picture. It's a common thing for one knight to defeat another, and the one that's conquered today may be the conqueror tomorrow. Besides, we have to travel to Barbary in a year.

BARB: That's right. Honest Sancho has hit the truth of the matter.

DONQ: Let me go gently, gentlemen, for there are no birds this year in last year's nest. I was mad, but I am sane now. (Dies)

HAME: For me alone Don Quixote was born and I for him. His was the power of action, mine of writing. Only we two are at one, despite that fictitious scribe who has dared, and may dare again, as may any of you, to pen the deeds of my valorous knight with coarse and ill trimmed ostrich feather. . .

SHAK: Quite a bitter ending.

CERV: Can you not allow us to say good-bye to my characters?

SHAK: He was talking not of Don Quixote, but of your imitator.

CERV: I would I could rest like Quixote and not have all these post-scripts and epilogues.

SHAK: Our shared date of death is approaching, you need not rush it. But first, let me give this ending a shot.

4.3 FAKE QUIXOTE VS. THE KNIGHT OF THE WHITE MOON

SANC: (UL) Master, there is a challenge that I think you would greatly enjoy.

DONQ: A battle of knights?

SANC: A battle of Avellaneda's Don Quixote, whom you have not yet seen, and Samson Carrasco posing as the Knight of the White Moon, just as he posed as the Knight of the Mirrors to trick you into returning home.

DONQ: How have you determined all this?

SANC: I was told by an Englishman, who had in his hands the script of all of our actions.

DONQ: Well, it should prove interesting.

SAMS: (DR) Illustrious knight, and never sufficiently praised Don Quixote de la Mancha, I am the Knight of the White Moon, whose unparalleled deeds, etcetera, etcetera. If you conquer me, my head will be at your mercy, the spoils of my armor shall be yours, and the renown of my deeds shall be transferred to you.

FAKE: (UL) I accept your challenge upon the conditions you have named, especially the transfer of your renown. Take, then, whichever side of the field you wish, and may heaven bless me. (they joust, FAKE looses)

SAMS: You are vanquished knight.

FAKE: Please, do not kill me, I will do whatever you want.

DONQ: He's quite despicable, this imitator of mine.

SANC: That's funny, that's just what you're supposed to say in this script.

DONQ: Let me see that. We need to meet the writer of this script, he seems to hold much power over us.

4.4 FAKE QUIXOTE'S DEATH

MOV* FAKE: Oh! I think I'm dying.

DONQ: He will die in my bed.

SANC: At least no one will attempt to trick you into returning home anymore if they think you're dead.

DONQ: I never got the opportunity to fight my imitator.

SANC: Those are always losing battles.

MOV* FAKE: I feel like I have to renounce all my foolishness.

MOV* PRIE: Confess everything, and you can still go to heaven.

MOV* FAKE: I'm not really Don Quixote.

MOV* PRIE: That's right, you changed your true name Quixada to Quixote when you decided you were a knight.

MOV* FAKE: No, that's not what I meant, I mean I'm not Quixada either. I think I'm actually dying, but I'm just an imitator, I'm just an actor playing a part for some Englishman. This wasn't part of the deal.

MOV* PRIE: Yes, my son, you are forgiven.

MOV* FAKE: No, wait. (dies)

MOV* PRIE: (to Niece) I'm sure he's going to heaven.

SANC: Well, shall we go to Barbary and kill all of the Moors?

DONQ: I think we should start with one Moor in particular... Where could this Benengali be, to know everything we do. I have determined that he must be right here. (finds Benengali in audience) Draw your sword, heathen.

HAME: But Moors are monotheistic. (draws sword, they fight, HAME is wounded) I'm just a patsy. This is terrible, I didn't even get to tell you about the man that is writing me, Miguel de...

DONQ: Another unknown layer. Miguel de... Miguel de what? (HAME dies)

CERV: You always kill so many people in your endings.

SHAK: Well, Miguel, it helps give a sense of closure.

the end