copyright 1995 Nick Cooper. All rights reserved
(281) 289 - 3569
Cast of Characters
The Hamburglar
The Grimace
Midas
Louise Grimace's secretary
The Shark
Bill
Mommy Bill's wife
Billy Bill and Mommy's son
Maggie Bill and Mommy's daughter
The Hunter
BooBerry
Rasputin
Jesus
Aphrodite
Santa
Famous Amos
Father Time
Count Chocula
Aunt Jemimah
Little Debbie
Wendy
Loins The Hunter's valet
The Shark's secretary
Bhudda
Allah
The Count (from Sesame Street)
A few little sharks
scenes
1.1 Grimace's office (Grimace, Louise, Bill)
1.2 the burger joint (Billy, Maggie, Midas, Mommy, Hamb, Bill, Shark, Debbie, Wendy)
1.3 Grimace's office (Grimace, Hunter, Louise, Bill, Midas)
1.4 Louise's Lunch Break(Louise, Aphro, Hamburglar, Chocula)
2.1 Grimace on phone (Grimace, BooBerry)
2.2 Hunter's Lodge (Hunter, Loins, Hamburglar, Aunt Jemimah)
2.3 Bill at Shark Waters (Shark's secretary, Bill, Shark, Rasputin, Chocula)
3.1 The Gods (Grim, Louise, Midas, Jesus, Allah, Bhudda, Aphro, Santa, Famous, Father)
3.2 Where's Daddy (Billy, Maggie, Mommy, Hamburglar, Shark, Rasputin, Midas)
3.3 Santa's Sleigh (Santa, Aphrodite, Bhudda)
3.4 Rasputin's spell (Grimace, Rasputin, BooBerry)
3.5 Jesus hits on Wendy(Jesus, Wendy, Midas, Hamb)
4.1 Plots to kill (Hunter, Loins, Rasputin, Billy, Aunt Jemimah, Grimace, BooBerry)
4.2 The Meeting (Chocula, Little Debbie, Wendy, Aunt J., Midas, the Count, BooBerry)
4.3 Shark's Death (Shark, Shark's Secretary, Billy, Little Sharks)
4.4 Conspirators... (Little Debbie, Wendy, Famous Amos, Hamburglar, Hunter, Loins)
5.1 Santa's marriage (Santa, Billy, Maggie, Mommy,)
5.2 Revolution (Famous, Father, Choc, Jemim., Count, Boo, Aph., Hamb, Debbie, Wendy)
1.1 Grimace's Office
Louise an Grimace are at their desks, talking on the phone.
GRIMACE: Louise, come make me laugh.
LOUISE: What? Oh you didn't say anything about today. I'm not ready.
GRIMACE: I really think today is good day for it.
LOUISE: But don't I have to want to? Wasn't that part of what you said? Don't I, for it to work?
GRIMACE: Yes. You don't want to, then?
LOUISE: I didn't mean I didn't want to, I just meant, isn't it up to me?
GRIMACE: Of course, it's always up to you.
LOUISE: Well, if it's up to me... (Bill walks in) Hold on. (she pushes a button)
BILL: I'm here to see the Grimace.
LOUISE: I believe the Grimace is in conference.
BILL: He decided that my program needed a laugh-track, and he's ruined it!
LOUISE: Perhaps you should attempt to contact our personnel in Marketing. Audio Enhancement simply acts in accordance with their decisions.
BILL: Marketing! Don't give me the run-around. I just came from there. They said Grimace made the decision personally.
LOUISE: Let me try for you.
Louise picks up her phone and pushes some buttons. The Grimace picks up.
GRIMACE: Yeah, what is it Louise?
LOUISE: A gentlemen wants to see you concerning the enhancement of a show he produced.
GRIMACE: Does he look like he might cry?
LOUISE: Yes.
GRIMACE: Well, here we go. Send him in.
Louise motions to Bill to go inside. Bill opens the doors and goes in the office.
BILL: So, you're the Grimace. I'm Bill...
GRIMACE: (gets up and bounces over to Bill. He punches Bill in the stomach. Bill falls to his knees gasping for air) It would have been easier for you if I needed your laugh. (The Grimace kicks Bill in the neck and pushes buttons on a remote control. The sound of a continuous laugh track begins) Oh Billy Bill, there's not much you can do! The laugh-track, you see, is the key to the cry-track! (The laugh-track fades and Bill is crying. The Grimace holds out a t.v. production mic on a pole and records Bill crying for several seconds) That's enough, shut up. (He pushes a button on his desk and Louise comes in) Louise, why don't you make him some tea.
Louise leads Bill out of the room still crying and gasping. The Grimace pushes some buttons on his remote control. First he selects Bill's crying. Next, he selects a little girl crying. He pushes some more buttons and then hears those cries mixed together. The sound fades with the lights.
1.2 the burger joint
The Hamburglar is sitting at one table and Mommy, Billy and Maggie are at another table unwrapping fast-food hamburgers.
BILLY: Mommy, when do we get to do drugs?
MOMMY: Now that's not any way for a young man to be talking.
BILLY: When do I get to talk that way?
MOMMY: That's enough, now finish your food!
MAGGIE: Mommy, what's this part of the hamburger that wasn't on t.v?
MOMMY: That part is the lettuce, eat it up. And the meat. Come now, no taking it apart.
MAGGIE: Where do hamburgers come from?
MOMMY: Well, in America we have a system called division of labor. Everybody does their own part. Some people grow the lettuce, some people work behind the counter, some people are hunters...
MAGGIE: Like the hunter on daddy's t.v. show, who killed baby seals?
BILLY: Mommy, I want to be a baby seal.
MOMMY: Why is that, dear?
BILLY: Because when the Hunter comes, I'm going to knock him over into the shark waters.
MAGGIE: Will the Hunter hunt the shark in the shark waters? Or will the shark hunt the Hunter in the shark waters?
MOMMY: Maggie, there's no such thing as shark-waters. Billy was just telling lies again. Billy, you know your father is coming.
MAGGIE: Mommy, I don't tell lies, so can I have My Pretty Pony Crystal Stables, and Secret Mermaids, and a Hello Kitty litter box, and Bubble-Gum Fairies and...
BILLY: No there is shark waters, there is! The Hunter can't hunt underwater, he will become the hunted. (Billy runs around as a shark hero)
MOMMY: Sit down Billy! You two sit here and no more non-sense. I'm going to have an apple pie. (She walks over to the counter)
BILLY: Maggie, there is shark-waters.
MAGGIE: Who says?
BILLY: Hey mister, are there shark-waters?
HAMB: Uh, yeah... If you say so.
BILLY: Do they go down and down?
HAMB: Yeah, sure.
BILLY: To the depths? The deep depths?
HAMB: Yeah, but be careful. Once you think up and create something like this, you won't be able to control it anymore.
BILLY: The Shark is dangerous, and most people never get out again once they go to the Shark Waters.
HAMB: O.k., kid. If that's the way you want it, but I warned you.
BILLY: Then I'll push in the Hunter and the Shark will get him.
MAGGIE: But then who will hunt for our hamburgers in our division of labor!
HAMB: Billy, the Shark isn't going to get him. He and the Hunter are old friends. It's you who has to be careful around the Shark Waters. The Shark might eat you if you go near there.
SHARK: (Sits down next to Hamburglar eating a hamburger) Are you razzin' my ass again dude? To little kids no less? Shit. Up at Shark Waters this morning I was in the sauna, and there was this chick, she must have been a fucking Marlin, dude, and she starts telling me about how a sea cow gave birth in the salt water pool yesterday. And so I'm like, how the heck did it get in my pool, and shit, man, I thought they were extinct anyway. Or maybe I was thinking of sea cucumbers.
BILLY: Wow! That's the shark.
MAGGIE: Will he eat that man?
BILLY: No, I think they're friends.
SHARK: So seriously dude, I'm, like, hardly breathing here and shit, and I got to come downtown here because you're my man. O.k?
HAMB: My man. (they hug) I've been worried about you.
SHARK: Don't worry about me, man, straight ahead, no problem.
HAMB: It just seems like if you keep up like you have been, the ocean's going to claim you back. Just remember, those teeth aren't the only thing in your head.
SHARK: My man, I know. I got what it takes to be here on land. My investment portfolio is sound. My intentions are business-like. I don't want to be just some primordial cartilaginous sea-creature again. I like being an individual.
HAMB: Just stay off that coke, o.k.?
SHARK: (nods) Man, I guess you're right. But how did I end up friends with you anyway? You must think you're a god-damned monk or something. Brother Hamburglar, of the Holy Order of Fries.
HAMB: Come on, man. I'm serious. (Bill walks in)
KIDS: Daddy! (Hamburglar steals a Hamburger while no one is looking)
MOMMY: How did it go?
BILL: The Grimace attacked me and recorded me crying, and I couldn't get him to take off the laugh-track. My show is still ruined. (puts his head down on his arms, Hamb notices what he said)
MOMMY: Oh, honey, that's terrible. No one should laugh at the smashing of the furry skulls, the death spasms, the fin flapping.
BILLY: Daddy? Why didn't you kill the Grimace?
MOMMY: Billy, don't talk about killing.
BILLY: Why?
MOMMY: You have to make up your mind while you're still young what kind of man you'll be. And good men don't kill.
BILLY: Daddy, when can I do hard time?
MOMMY: Billy, if you keep talking like that, Santa will hear and won't bring you anything.
MAGGIE: Mommy, I don't talk like that. Can Santa bring me Troll's Surfin' Hideout, and Baby Grunge and the Halls of Medicine and Barbie compost heap...
MOMMY: Shush both of you now. Daddy needs some quiet.
BILL: You know, honey, you've inspired me. I have to decide right now what kind of man I'll be. I'm going to take care of the Grimace!
BILLY: Yeah!
MOMMY: Quiet now, not so much yelling.
SHARK: That guy's going to get his ass kicked.
BILL: Honey, why don't you take the kids home. I have some business to attend to. I'll be home to take you all out to dinner, to celebrate my triumph.
BILLY: I get to be king of the staircase first!
MAGGIE: No you don't!
BILLY: Yes!
MOMMY: Bye honey.
KIDS: Bye daddy! (they leave)
BILL: (dials on the payphone, angry) Midas, have you heard what happened at the Grimace's office.
MIDAS: Look Bill, I figure Grimace ruffled your feathers, and I'd want to go to bat for you. But I warned you about playing ball with the big blob, disrupting professional procedure and protocol, interfering in the internal clockwork of the network. It's just the way things are around here. I did good for your program, it practically went up on prime time. But I'm just Program Purchasing here - I can't go yapping to Audio Enhancement or Marketing on the first little slip of the finger unless we have breach of contract.
BILL: That fucking Grimace guy assaulted me!
MIDAS: Alright, calm down Bill. I don't want to see you get wanked around on this. If it was just some shirt, I'd squash him with my fat thumb, eat him for lunch, have his balls on the wall next to the picture of my wife and kids. But, I can't go into the ring with the Grimace. There are only six or seven world-class Audio Enhancement guys, and they get to write their own ticket. It's no accident he's the only one in the whole building who's got state-of-the-art equipment. He mixes together laugh-tracks that have more correlation to successful ratings than the shows themselves. Grimace is a one man think-tank, a regular Chef Boyardee.
BILL: Don't even mention those two in the same breath. Boyardee was a man of peace and genius. I want the laughs off of there before the second and third parts air or I'm bringing in the t.v. news in on this.
MIDAS: Well, so that's how you shuck the old corn-husk... No office banter's gonna keep your hat in check. I guess we're off to see the Grimace. Come by my office in a half hour and we'll go upstairs together.
BILL: Alright. (hangs up and goes back to his table) I'll show that Grimace.
SHARK: Hey, we couldn't help eavesdropping, and we heard you've got problems with the Grimace.
BILL: You know the Grimace?
SHARK: He used to be down with us. Lately, he's been trying to have Hamburglar killed.
BILL: (goes to their table) Wants you killed? He could have killed me. He didn't even bother.
HAMB: Yeah, killing people's to much of a hassle for him. It means he'd have to deal with their bodies afterwards.
SHARK: Oh, come on dude, killing's fine. It's just, he could never get me, man, I'd waste his ass. Fucker is old and I don't think he has bones.
HAMB: Always looking for a fight. I don't worry. Grimace doesn't even remember where this place is. Now he's a big exec, but he used to be here every day, drinking milk-shakes. Dude was just passing time. Life was easy. We all knew the Big Cheese.
BILL: Who?
HAMB: Mayor McCheese. He took care of us back in the day. All through the seventies. We were on top of the world.
SHARK: I been here since the beginning. None and none served yet. I ate the first burger and tasted my fortune. I bought some stock and rode to riches on the golden arch of mass meat marketing. Money enough to stop being one of a species and to become one of a kind, and live forever. Or at least until they get me. I've made enough off these things to buy a piece of infinity. But nonetheless, what a fucking scam, dude. Meat is all around you, just take a chunk. I really don't know why I keep eating them.
HAMB: Shits don't taste the same to me since he fried the Mayor.
BILL: Someone fried Mayor McCheese?
SHARK: Grimace deep-fried him in a vat of lard, dude. All that was left was a brown gristle.
BILL: Why?
SHARK: (shrugs) Afterwards, Grimace came and told Hamburglar they'd split the entire fortune, billions and billions served. Hamburglar: Man of integrity - Eater of stolen meat. (salutes him) My man didn't want any.
BILL: You turned it all down?
HAMB: I wasn't that hungry at the time.
SHARK: All that cash, and the control freak keeps that nine to five job just so he gets to manipulate people's reactions. But Brother Hamburglar knows too much. Saw something Grimace would rather have under the rug.
BILL: Why hasn't he managed to kill you yet?
HAMB: Well, his hunter is an old friend of ours.
SHARK: Yeah, The Hunter.
BILL: The Hunter works for him? No wonder. The laugh-track on my documentary was a personal favor... It's a whole conspiracy theory! I'm going to put this all over the t.v. The Hunter is your friend? He's a bloody murderer!
HAMB: Yeah, but not if you're on his good side. He's quite charming. (Little Debbie walks over with Wendy) Little Debbie! Wendy!
SHARK: What's up women. You're looking tender.
LITTLE: Well, you're as repulsive as ever. Hamburglar, will you be at the meeting tonight?
HAMB: No, what's going on?
LITTLE: Chocula's speaking.
SHARK: Free food?
WENDY: Hamburglar, why are you wasting time with this idiot? Chocula wants us to demand more for ourselves.
HAMB: Yes, I know. But Wendy, I must say, I've been seeing you everywhere. They even have little puppets of you this week at Wendy's. You're bigger than I ever was.
WENDY: You know the fame from my exploitation means nothing to me.
LITTLE: We will control our own destiny.
HAMB: What destiny is that?
SHARK: Seems like she'd settle for a bite of Chocula.
LITTLE: Wait until the revolution comes. Then you'll know our cause is just. (they leave)
HAMB: See you later. The revolution! (scoffs) Anyway Bill, I want to know about this cry-track thing Grimace's got going. He recorded you?
BILL: Yeah, he made me cry and recorded it.
HAMB: Why?
BILL: I've been thinking about that ever since. By the gods above, I have no idea.
SHARK: The gods? I hope they're not involved in this shit.
BILL: I don't know. But, I better get going. Wish me luck - I'm supposed to meet a friend who's going to help me with the Grimace.
HAMB: Good luck man, watch out for him.
SHARK: If you want, afterwards come by my club, Shark Waters. If he kicks your ass again, we'll help calm you down and clam you up. I'll be in the tub.
BILL: Sure. Thanks guys. (he leaves)
1.3 Grimace's office
GRIMACE: Louise, come make me laugh.
LOUISE: Oh, alright.
The Grimace turns the laugh track on and lies on his back, smoking a cigar. Louise comes in and bounces on his stomach. He pushes his remote control so the laugh-track keeps getting louder.
GRIMACE: Do you like the laugh-track? (laughs)
LOUISE: Yes Grim.
GRIMACE: Are you ready? (laughs)
LOUISE: No, not yet.
GRIMACE: Are you ready? (laughs)
LOUISE: No, just a little longer baby.
GRIMACE: Here we go!
The Grimace pushes the remote control. The laugh-track stops and the crying of Bill, mixed with the little girl and also an old man starts. Louise bounces off into a heap and starts crying.
LOUISE: I hate that so fucking much. I hate that!
The Grimace gets his microphone and records her crying.
GRIMACE: Alright, enough, Get the Hunter on the phone for me.
LOUISE: (goes back to her desk, still crying and pushes some buttons on the phone) I have the Hunter on line one.
GRIMACE: (on phone) Alright, did you hear the laugh-track I put on that guy's documentary? Did you notice how the laughs were loudest when you were about to strike the babiest of the seals?
HUNTER: (on phone at Hunter's Lodge) Yes, and thank you. It was a delicate matter, I was quite concerned. I'm sure you've helped.
GRIMACE: In return, a small favor... I want the Hamburglar dead, today.
HUNTER: Oh, that again.
GRIMACE: Why you haven't done it yet?
HUNTER: The Hamburglar still lives on the meat of the masses, billions and billions served. Sixty stories above, up in the sky, you should rather be threatened by the gods than the Hamburglar.
GRIMACE: Alright, enough. The gods! What are you talking about, the gods? They're not coming over again are they?
Midas and Bill enter
MIDAS: Hey honey, I'm Midas from Program Purchasing. I want to see the big guy.
LOUISE: (picks up the phone and pushes a button) Grimace, I have Midas from Program-Purchasing, along with the gentleman from yesterday.
GRIMACE: Anyway, I got some visitors, but you owe me one now, so find that Hamburglar and kill him. (pushes a button, Hunter hangs up) Yeah Louise - Midas look like he might cry?
LOUISE: I don't know.
GRIMACE: Send him in. Just him.
LOUISE: Go ahead, Midas. Grimace, it's my lunch break.
GRIMACE: Alright, be back in an hour. (Louise leaves)
MIDAS enters the office.
MIDAS: So, look here, Grimace... (The Grimace gets up and bounces over to Midas. He tries to punch Midas in the stomach, but Midas jumps out of the way and grabs the Grimace's arm and starts laughing) Come on, you already recorded me three times. Look, anyway this guy Bill's outsided threatening press, portending paparazzi, he could blow the top off this egg before it's even fertilized. Throw the kid a bone, or something.
GRIMACE: (presses a button and picks up the phone) Bill, get in here.
Bill walks into the office looking at the ground, afraid.
GRIMACE: Look, Bill, I'm sorry I roughed you up. It was just some stupid experiment. I won't do it again. See ya around.
BILL: But...
MIDAS: It's o.k. Bill... Get moving. (Bill stands there shuffling his feet) What are you, Bill? Devoid of any awareness of the corporate landscape? Living in some Lilliputian la-la land? Just a tip-toe through the tulips two-bit naive happy-go-lucky little schmuck, aren't you?
BILL: No, but I thought...
GRIMACE: Shut up, get lost.
Bill walks out.
GRIMACE: That guy had a really uniqe cry on the cry-track. Really unique.
MIDAS: We got to brainstorm on this cry - track concept.
GRIMACE: Thanks, I'll brain-storm on my own.
MIDAS: You need me on this. As it is, Marketing wouldn't anymore stick their ass out on this than sneeze at it. What's it for? porn? religious shows? Perhaps a brand new format... 'situation tragedy'? You think you're gonna work a new format through the chicken milker without a buddy in Purchasing? You're going to need someone with a gift of gab, a flair for the flashy, an ear for the whispers of the cafeteria. Who's going to grind it up and serve it on a bun with ketchup? Who'll wrap it around the totem pole and see if Pochahantas kneels to it? Who's going to drop it on the sidewalk and see if seven-year-olds get it stuck on their sneakers? I could arrange for a little ice-breaker, a schmooze Ôn' booze, we could rub the corporate belly.
GRIMACE: Alright, alright, Midas. You're in.
MIDAS: Good. As long as that idiot BooBerry isn't involved.
GRIMACE: He is.
MIDAS: The guys unpredictable, he's a wild-card, a rogue element, a free-radical.
GRIMACE: He's my main man, you'll see. We need him.
1.4 Louise's Lunch break
Louise is eating a burger
APHRO; Do you mind if I join you.
LOUISE: Sure. Hi, I'm Louise.
APHRO: I'm Aphrodite, goddess of love.
LOUISE: You're one of the gods? Wow. What do gods do?
APHRO: Well, we all do different things. Lately I seem to spend alot of time having sex. I'm not exactly as powerful as I used to be. Way more people believe in the other gods. But I'm not bitter towards them. We do alot of travelling together - me, Krishna, Allah, Jesus, Bhudda...
LOUISE: Wow! What's Jesus like?
APHRO: He's a dear friend, even though he thinks he's god's gift to women. He's used to being number one. Watch out for him.
LOUISE: Really? O.k... Aphrodite, do you know things about people and stuff?
APHRO: Yeah, what's up?
LOUISE: Well my boss, he makes me do things that really upset me - just so he can record me crying.
APHRO: Sounds kind of intimate.
LOUISE: I know. I want to talk about how I feel, but he always acts so... professional.
APHRO: You should tell him just how you feel and what you want. And maybe you should quit.
LOUISE: Well, what I want most is to... to kiss him.
APHRO: (laughs) Well, tell him that for sure. Or just do it.
LOUISE: How?
APHRO: Oh, that's charming! How do you seduce someone? Let's see... I'll show you on the next man that walks in here. It's fun.
LOUISE: It is?
APHRO: Yeah, that's all I've been doing since I broke up with Father Time.
LOUISE: You were dating Father Time?
APHRO: Yeah, but he started to get weird. He stopped time and left me unfrozen and it was just the two of us, everyone else was frozen like statues or mannequins. (Chocula walks in) Oh wait - here we go. (goes over to Chocula and kisses him and he follows her off stage)
LOUISE: Huh, I'll have to try that sometime.
HAMB: (walks over, takes Aphrodite's burger) Louise, how's you're homicidal boss?
LOUISE: Hamburglar, that's not yours it's Aphrodite's.
HAMB: Aphrodite's here? Where'd she go, off with some guy? (Louise nods) Figures. But tell me about this cry-track thing. (Louise is frozen) Louise? Hey Louise! Shit I guess time has stopped. (takes Louise's burger out of her hand) Man, this sort of takes all the fun out of it. (puts it back, Chocula walks by zipping up his pants) Hey Chocula - what's going on?
CHOCULA: I have done it! I have done it! I have impregnated a god! (laughs) And now I have stopped time to help in my escape. I have a universal remote control. (shows it to him) All I do is push pause, but I only have it working for a few seconds so far, so I better go. We will take over the heavens. Join us Hamburglar. The revolution is coming. (leaves)
HAMB: Well, I'll think about it... (Louise is unfrozen)
APHRO: (screams offstage and runs in) Where'd he go? How'd he do that. Father Time was always doing that - stopping time in the middle of sex! But how did that man do it?
LOUISE: Stopped time? What are you talking about. I didn't notice anything.
HAMB: That wasn't a man, that was Count Chocula, an advertisement for cereal. He stopped time with some remote controller and ran off.
APHRO: And how did you see? Why weren't you frozen?
HAMB: I don't know, it's never happened to me before. Perhaps things are changing if advertisements can stay unfrozen in stop time and impregnate gods and...
APHRO: What?
LOUISE: That's what he said.
APHRO: That's ridiculous, I'm a goddess! I get to decide stuff like when I get pregnant. Don't I?
HAMB: I don't know.
LOUISE: This sounds awful, will you be o.k?
APHRO: I don't know. I want my friends. Santa! Pick up the guys, let's go get fucked up! (leaves)
LOUISE: Wow!
HAMB: Hope she's o.k.
LOUISE: Yeah. I like her. But Hamburglar, you'd better watch out for yourself. The Hunter owes Grimace a big favor now, and Grimace wants you dead.
HAMB: Thanks for the tip. Maybe I should go visit the Hunter, make sure we're still friends. (leaves)
Louise finishes her burger
2.1 Grimace/BooBerry
Grimace at his office on phone with BooBerry on the phone.
GRIMACE: (on phone) BooBerry, it's been years since either of us has been on t.v., and when the cry-track debuts, I'd rather see some one else on the screen. We could be behind the scenes. Let some actor cry for the camera.
BOOB: I'm fading here man! My cereal's been discontinued, I think. Nobody remembers BooBerry. Where you going to find some actor who can cry like me. I got something to cry about. Doesn't it upset you to look at all these business men nowadays! They grew up eatin' breakfast with me, and lunch and dinner with you, but now they wouldn't give me the time of day. In Ô76 we were everywhere. We were subliminal. We were in every kid's mind. Talk about behind the scenes, we were pushing the buttons, spoon feeding them sugar on the Sabbath. Whether I got to scare them or cry along with them, it'll be like my comeback. I want to be on the commercial.
GRIMACE: But BooBerry, I got the perfect guy, Midas from downstairs. I'm sure you'd rather have him on screen. Being recognized doesn't mean being a celebrity anymore. It means being stalked and put in tabloids.
BOOB: I'm going to fade out for good, man! I'll do anything for some attention. If only I had an advertising budget. I need a day job like you. I have to canvas the streets on a one on one basis, I keep reminding everyone: BooBerry. Grimace, just float me some cash.
GRIMACE: Look BooBerry, come over and listen to my plan. We'll iron out all the illicit details. Then you can count on some big easy long term cash.
BOOB: Forget long-term man, I can barely concentrate anymore, I'm fading.
GRIMACE: But you still got what it takes to help advertise this garbage, right?
BOOB: Yeah, I guess. It's hard man, I'm not what I used to be.
GRIMACE: Well, maybe Midas was right. We should count you out.
BOOB: No, come on, man. I need this. The cry-track might be my last chance.
GRIMACE: BooBerry, what you want from me, a god-damned hand-out? You change your mind back and forth more than my god-damned secretary. You going to work for me or not?
BOOB: Yeah, I'm on it, tell me what to do, and I'm there, I'm your man, you can count on me.
GRIMACE: Alright, then get your ass down here.
BOOB: Alright, it'll be a few hours, I'm walking.
GRIMACE: BooBerry, look... Don't worry. You're coming back.
BOOB: Yeah?
GRIMACE: Yeah.
BOOB: It'll be Ô76 all over again.
2.2 Hunter's Lodge
HUNTER: Loins! Loins!
LOINS: Yes.
HUNTER: Have we any mutton?
LOINS: No.
HUNTER: Venison?
LOINS: No.
HUNTER: Well, surely, we must have some meat left?
LOINS: Yes, baby seals.
HUNTER: I grow weary of baby seals. Have we no elk left?
LOINS: No.
HUNTER: Musk ox? Wild Hare? Wild Turkey? Quail?
LOINS: No.
HUNTER: Loins, we've not had many guests. Where is all the meat I've gotten us?
LOINS: Perhaps, if you didn't put so much trust in the Hamburglar...
HUNTER: You have been instructed to shoot all poachers, be they guests of mine or not.
LOINS: Well, I have not actually caught him.
HUNTER: Loins, bare to me your bottom that it may taste the leather of my boots.
LOINS: Yes. (leans over and pulls down his pants. The Hunter kicks him, and he starts to pull his pants back up)
HUNTER: Did I command you pull back up your breeches?
LOINS: No. (leans back over. The Hunter looks around for a moment suspiciously and then starts to undo his own pants. Hamburglar enters and the Hunter pretends not to be doing anything. Loins remains leaned over)
HUNTER: Our friend, the Hamburglar.
HAMB: How's it going?
HUNTER: I'm in debt to the Grimace because he discredited that documentary of me killing seals by putting a laugh track through it. In return, he wants you dead. (Hamburglar shrugs) Oh, but Hamburglar, I've killed most of my old friends. There aren't too many left. I would rather you lived.
HAMB: Good.
HUNTER: Can I offer you some seal?
HAMB: Oh, you know me.
HUNTER: Yes. You'd rather steal your meat.
HAMB: Makes me feel better not to support the sport or industry.
LOINS: You know if I catch you stealing from the Hunter, I have orders to shoot.
HAMB: And you do follow orders, don't you.
HUNTER: Loins! Shut up. Bring me my weapon.
LOINS: Yes. (stands up, gets a rifle, gives it to him)
HUNTER: Whether you'll join me in my feast or not, I must hunt for my food. Shall we?
HAMB: Lead the way.
HUNTER: Be very very quiet. (takes aim, shoots and a stuffed animal falls onto the stage) Got him!
HAMB: You never miss.
HUNTER: To me, a wasted bullet is like so much vinegar in the wine goblet of life. Quiet (takes aim, shoots and a stuffed animal falls onto the stage) Got him!
HAMB: Her.
HUNTER: Why, yes -- her. Quiet (takes aim, shoots and a stuffed animal falls onto the stage) Got him!
HAMB: That one's too small.
HUNTER: Yes, perhaps I should throw it back. (throws it back)
HAMB: How sporting of you.
HUNTER: Well, indeed. Yes indeed. Shall we head back to the Lodge?
HAMB: If you wish.
HUNTER: Oh, Hamburglar, it is grand to be one's own master. Taking from my mother nature what she offers, and giving back my...
AUNT: (walks in) Give us back what? Yo momma nature and I ain't gotten back nothing except your shit.
HUNT: Aunt Jemimah, I had no idea there were such complaints. What can I do to repair my reputation and reprimand myself for my repreh... my rep... rep... rep, rep rep....
AUNT: Don't you get all reptile with me, you swamp scum, you just send us some god damn meat. I been eating burgers all week. Get me some real safari shit. Some big game. Gazelles, caribou, mountain lions! By this evening! You understand me now?
HUNT: Yes, of course. (she leaves)
HAMB: She's quite demanding.
HUNT: Yes, I mostly ignore her. So tiring... It is grand, though. With my weapon, I feel as powerful as the gods themselves.
HAMB: The gods? They're not coming are they? (Hunter is frozen) Hunter! Shit, it happened again. What is Chocula doing?
HUNTER: (Unfreezes, seems off in a dream) What? Oh I'm sorry. Quite fatigued. Perhaps I will lie down for a brief respite before supper. Would you care to join me?
HAMB: No. Thank you though. Rest well.
HUNTER: Yes. Goodnight. Loins! Bring me my rucksack!
2.3 Bill at Shark Waters.
Shark is in the tub, and a secretary is at the desk. The secretary is on the phone.
SEC: Shark Waters.
RASP: I am Rasputin. I would like to reserve a bacchanalian bubble bath at midnight. I would like to revel in the juices of my compatriots, to indulge in the forbidden joys of Catherine's toilet, whisper the unspoken evils of carnal temptation.
SEC: Will that be salt-water or fresh?
RASP: Fresh.
SEC: Will that be all?
RASP: No. I have heard tales of creatures of the filthy swamps that you provide to increase the tactile stimulation, to undermine all Christian decency, to tickle ancient and forgotten regions.
SEC: The toothless pirhanas?
RASP: Yes, that is what I have heard of.
SEC: We'll see you at midnight, then?
RASP: Thank you my charming hostess of sinful pleasures. (they hang up)
BILL: I'm here to meet the Shark.
SEC: (picks up phone) Shark, I have a dejected looking man here to see you.
SHARK: Send him up. (Bill goes up and gets in the tub) How'd it go, dude?
BILL: Oh, pretty bad. They just ignored me. I was just trying to do something for the baby seals. That Hunter was just bashing them... I mean you just have to draw the line somewhere.
SHARK: I guess. Seals are pretty good tasting, though, dude. I mean, seriously, I could go for some seal right now. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are seals, and I respect them very deeply, but sometimes I eat one of them.
BILL: Well, maybe I'm just a self-righteous asshole. I mean, I eat meat and all, but there's just something wrong about killing babies.
SHARK: Yeah, I know what you mean, if someone killed my babies, I'd kick their ass. I've eaten my own babies, but that's different.
BILL: What? You eat your own kids?
SHARK: Well, yeah.
BILL: Why?
SHARK: They were talking shit.
BILL: Your babies?
SHARK: I was hungry back in the ocean. Chill out, dude.
BILL: Your own kids?
SHARK: Look, dude, you don't know what it's like to be a shark.
BILL: Well, what's it like?
SHARK: It's like this. (eats him, relaxes) Hamburgers. My stock in hamburgers will keep me in clean suits. Far from the perils of the reef. (does a line of coke) Perils? What the hell am I worried about. (sings) Oh the shark bites, with his teeth dear, and he shows them, pearly white, Great White that is. (picks up the phone) Shark here.
SEC: Yes?
SHARK: There's alot of blood up here in Jacuzzi six. Didn't someone request a blood bath?
SEC: Chocula has been waiting for 45 minutes.
SHARK: Cool. Send him over. (hangs up, dries off on a towel Chocula walks in) Hey, what's up? I heard there's a big revolutionary meeting tonight.
CHOCULA: Yes. Nothing prepares me to incite a mob better than human blood.
SHARK: Yeah, it incites me too, I guess. Enjoy. (leaves)
CHOCULA: (gets in Jacuzzi, and sings) Volare, oh oh. Volare...
3.1 The Gods at the Grimace's Office
GRIMACE: Louise, we're about done for the day. Come make me laugh.
LOUISE: Oh, fine, you get to laugh while I cry.
GRIMACE: Oh, it's not like that. Is it now?
LOUISE: Well, yes. It upsets me.
GRIMACE: You know, your crying is one of the most valuable cryings.
LOUISE: It is?
GRIMACE: Yes, there's none like it.
LOUISE: Really?
GRIMACE: Yeah. So, what do you say? Let's do it again. (lies down)
LOUISE: Well, maybe if we could just talk first... (she gets up, Midas walks in past Louise and in the office)
MIDAS: Taking a nap? Don't get up please. Grimace, I've been through this building all day like a cock-roach through the sewers and not one exec., not one intern, not one secretary, not one anyone thinks your cry-track project will make it to square one.
GRIMACE: Well, perhaps if you were a little less cockroach-like about it...
a jingle of bells is heard
MIDAS: What the hell is that? Santa Claus?
GRIMACE: Santa Claus? (gets up) What the hell would he be doing here? It's June, and I've been naughty.
The Gods enter, all drunk. There is Jesus on a crucifix, Bhudda, Aphrodite and Santa. All are mingling and moving, dancing constantly all through the audience, on Louise's desk, etc.
BHUDDA: Grimace, what's up? You got any weed?
GRIMACE: No.
APHRO: Acid.
GRIMACE: No.
JESUS: Cigarettes?
GRIMACE: Yeah, cigarettes, booze and a little coke.
THE GODS: Coke! Yeah! Alright!
LOUISE: Aphrodite! Hey, how you feeling?
APHRO: Not feeling a thing.
GRIMACE: Well, it isn't very much, but it's the good stuff (passes out cigarettes) Hey, be careful with that! (Aphrodite holds up a cigarette for Jesus who's arms are nailed up) You guys aren't going to break my window again, I hope. Well, let me set you guys up.
MIDAS: (pouring drinks) Santa, what are you doing with these guys?
SANTA: I'm kind of like designated driver.
GRIMACE: Ok., it ain't much, but here you go. Hey! Bhudda, that's real leather, o.k.
MIDAS: Aphrodite, right?
APHRO: Yes, my love. (rubs up against him)
MIDAS: Midas, Program Purchasing. Aren't you with Father Time.
APHRO: I much prefer mortals. (they go off)
GRIMACE: So, tell me, what happened to the Holy Ghost? I haven't seen him lately.
JESUS: The Holy Ghost pulled some shit with the Old Man and we had to send him down.
GRIMACE: To hell?
JESUS: Well, let's just say purgatory for now.
GRIMACE: What'd he do?
JESUS: Well, you know how it is with the old man. I mean, he parties, but some times he gets... you know - all Old Testament and shit. So anyway, about a month ago, there were some serious problems going on. The devil had just possessed the pope for two days and been pissing on to the crowds under his balcony, there was some cannibalism, incest and necrophillia going on amongst the angels, and some nuns had run off with the devil. I was in detox because of all those pills I popped after the eclipse and dad just needed a shoulder to cry on. So he spilled his guts to the Holy Ghost, and all it would have taken was a word of encouragement, a hallowed be thy name, a hallelujah, but the damn Holy Ghost starts speaking in tongues, and you know how much the old man hates that shit. He told him to cut it out, but Holy Ghost just kept it up like (talks in gibberish) well you know how that shit sounds. Eventually, the old man lost it. He went all fire and brimstone on the ghost.
Aphrodite and Midas come back in the room. Midas is awed and exhausted.
APHRO: That was nice. It was so... cute!
MIDAS: Well, there's plenty more where that came from. (sits on floor) Maybe sometime we could do it again.
APHRO: O.k., now.
MIDAS: Yeah?... O.k. (He gets up and they go off)
SANTA: So, how are we doing?
JESUS: We're kicking ass in Russia again. People are praying like crazy. I saved like a couple thousand people on Sunday.
SANTA: Really, that's alot.
JESUS: Yeah, these are good times. Santa, you know that dad always thought of us as brothers, and now with The Holy Ghost gone, why not try out for the trinity? You're one of us. And the Pope thinks you're an excellent choice.
SANTA: But he gets to be alive while I would have to be a Ghost. Ghosts don't eat, and I like to eat. And the world isn't ready for Santa's crucifixion.
JESUS: Yes they are.
SANTA: And I was about to get re-married. It's just I'd rather be son or father. Holy Ghost is no fun.
JESUS: Holy Ghost gets to go anywhere in the universe on days off.
SANTA: That's the other thing, I'm used to having most of the year off. I spent a long time developing Christmas. I don't want to give that up to become anonymous. What happened to the old Holy Ghost when he lost the job, did he switch back to his old name? And what was his name? Why don't we just change the trinity to the father, the son, and the Claus, and I can keep doing my thing and being alive.
JESUS: Damn, Santa, you make it so complicated. I just wanted to have you on my side against the devil.
SANTA: Hey, you know I always will be.
JESUS: My man.
SANTA: My man, (they hug).
BHUDDA: Hey Grimace, you got any wine? I gotta lay off the hard stuff.
GRIMACE: Sorry, Bhudda.
BHUDDA: That's cool. Do you have some water?
GRIMACE: Sure. Here you go.
BHUDDA: Hey, Jesus. Do me a favor and turn this into wine for me?
JESUS: Yeah, no problem. (nods his head at Bhudda's drink)
BHUDDA: Thanks.
JESUS: Hey, baby. I died for your sins.
LOUISE: Yeah, yeah.
JESUS: No, seriously. I'm the way, the truth and the light! I'm the bread of life. Try a slice.
LOUISE: No thanks.
JESUS: Alright (walks over to Santa) Man, what a cold piece of chickie.
SANTA: Let me give it a shot. Are you the same little Louise Lonzano that wanted a ice-cream maker, a salamander and blue glue?
LOUISE: Yeah. Holy Shit! Are you Santa? I always prayed to you most of all.
SANTA: Yeah, that was nice.
LOUISE: Well sit down (she gets up and Santa sits down, she sits on his lap and they giggle)
Aphrodite and Midas come back in, Midas looks about to pass out.
APHRO: Oh Midas. That was really... quirky. Are you always like that? (Midas passes put)
GRIMACE: What happened to him?
APHRO: Well, have you ever had sex with a god?
GRIMACE: Sure.
APHRO: Who?
GRIMACE: Wonder Woman.
APHRO: She's not a god.
GRIMACE: Wicked Witch of the North?
APHRO: No, not a god.
GRIMACE: The Easter Bunny?
EVERYONE: Yuk! Ew! Shit!
APHRO: No, no, no. Real gods can be tiring.
GRIMACE: I'd like to find out for myself.
BHUDDA: Alright, enough of this. Let's hit it. (the gods start to leave)
JESUS: You get her number?
SANTA: You know me, I never seem to get past the lap sitting thing.
JESUS: Yeah. Oh, well.
gods leave, a jingle of bells is heard
GRIMACE: Louise, I know it's late, but, could you clean up in here?
LOUISE: (walks in) Those god-damned gods! They're real pigs.
GRIMACE: It wasn't so bad. Remember when the Gestapo Ghosts were here? (lies down) Those guys really smelled.
LOUISE: Yeah, I'm not complaining. Santa's kind of cute. I go for fat guys.
GRIMACE: Make me laugh?
LOUISE: While he's still here? (points at Midas)
GRIMACE: He's out. He went two rounds with Aphrodite.
LOUISE: O.k. If you say so. But why don't we ever kiss?
GRIMACE: It isn't professional.
LOUISE: Well what about all this other stuff we keep doing?
GRIMACE: You want to kiss me?
LOUISE: Why do you always make me say I want to.
GRIMACE: But, you would kiss me?
LOUISE: Yeah, Grimace. (Grimace cries, Louise records him. They remain hugging. Father Time and Famous Amos walk in)
FAMOUS: We shouldn't keep following them, Father Time.
FATHER: Everywhere Aphrodite has been there's a trail of unconscious men that she has made love to. (points at Midas) Famous Amos, I can't keep time running with all these problems.
FAMOUS: You can't just stop time because of her. You already stopped time twice this year, and there wasn't anything wrong except in your heart.
FATHER: Perhaps I'm only confused - my thoughts have been so... No, this time something's really wrong. Someone else has been stopping time. Perhaps I should stop it myself so I can find out who. She's done something. I know it. Aphrodite! What have you done?
3.2 Where's Daddy scene at the burger joint
Mommy and Billy and Maggie are all at one table, Rasputin and Hamburglar each at their own tables.
BILLY: Mommy, what is fuck you?
MOMMY: Billy, you watch it. Mommy's not being very patient right now.
MAGGIE: Where's daddy?
MOMMY: I don't know, Maggie.
MAGGIE: But he said he'd take us out for dinner.
MOMMY: I know. Mommy's worried too.
MAGGIE: I don't like lettuce.
The shark comes in and gives a high-five to the Hamburglar
HAMB: What's up?
SHARK: Not much man, just passing time.
HAMB: What happened to Bill, man, the whole family's worried.
SHARK: Oh, dude, I ate him.
HAMB: Man! I knew it.
MAGGIE: Mommy, did daddy get lost on the way home?
BILLY: Mommy, did daddy leave you?
MOMMY: Billy! (starts to cry)
SHARK: Oh, shit. I hate this shit. I've got to get out of here or I'll start eating them too. You don't know what it's like to be a shark. My man? (Hamburglar shakes his head no) I'm out. (leaves)
HAMB: (gets up) may I sit down?
MOMMY: Why?
HAMB: I have some bad news about Bill.
BILLY: He got a new family and a new mommy?
HAMB: He went to Shark Waters a few hours ago and... he was killed.
BILLY: But I don't even know what fuck you is yet. (they all cry)
MAGGIE: He was my very first daddy.
MOMMY: Are you certain about this?
HAMB: I'm afraid so.
BILLY: You killed him!
HAMB: No, Billy. I never killed anyone.
BILLY: (to Rasputin) You killed him!
RASP: By the soils of the Fatherland, I have not killed anyone this week.
BILLY: The Hunter killed him! The Grimace killed him.
HAMB: No, Billy. The shark ate him. The shark is very dangerous nowadays.
BILLY: It's my fault. (puts his head down on his arms)
MOMMY: Billy, don't say it's your fault.
HAMB: I'm sorry. (gets up, steals a Hamburger, goes back to his table)
MOMMY: O.k., kids, let's go try to... let's go home and... let's go to the police... let's go to the church, and, no... (they leave crying)
HAMB: Shit.
MIDAS: (comes in and sits down with Hamburglar) Have you ever had sex with a god?
HAMB: I've never had sex.
MIDAS: Never had sex? Well, let me tell you...
HAMB: No.
MIDAS: What's a matter with you? I'm just lookin' for a little man to man, a tete-a-tete, some... (Hamburglar looks annoyed) What's wrong? You got a problem with women? Maybe a little queer around the collar? One of them limp-wristed, lily-powdered lords-a-leapin'? (time stops, Hamburglar leaves, time unfreezes) Well, where'd you go? Well I don't care. I just had six minutes with a god.
RASP: Six minutes? Very commendable, I'm sure it seemed an eternity.
MIDAS: Look, you bastard (rushes at him) if you...
RASP: (holds up the evil hand) You'd like to fight? You challenge me to a duel? You have no rank! I'll not give you the pleasure of an honorable death. Fight yourself. (Midas fights himself, Rasputin leaves)
3.3 Santa's Sleigh.
SANTA: Goodnight, Bhudda. Be careful on those stairs.
APHRO: Bhudda baby, thanks for keeping an eye on me.
BHUDDA: Aphrodite, you've been a celebration. Goodnight.
APHRO: Santa, I'm a little afraid to go home with Father Time following me around like this. He might just stop time, and sneak up on me again.
SANTA: You hungry?
APHRO: Yeah. Let's get some burgers.
SANTA: On donder, on blitzen, on the rest of you.
APHRO: What a beautiful night. And here I am with such a charming escort.
SANTA: Are you flirting?
APHRO: No, it's just that you make me proud we created mankind in our image.
SANTA: I thought that was so you could breed with us.
APHRO: Yes, compatible bodies. But Santa, what's all this about flirting and breeding and hitting on secretaries. You're acting like Jesus. Is he making you compete with him? Why are you being like this?
SANTA: I've fallen in love.ÊÊ
APHRO: Santa, after all these years of celibacy.
SANTA: Well, ever since Mrs. Claus died, I never met a woman who thought of me in that way.
APHRO: So, the new Mz. Claus is that secretary?
SANTA: No, not her. I was just flirting because I'm enjoying the whole manly side of me again. I just don't know though. I might become Holy Ghost instead.
APHRO: You can't be manly when you're a ghost. That old Holy Ghost was misleading and ineffectual. I never understood a word that guy said.
SANTA: Yeah, he was weird. I would be much more outspoken. But you know, I've never spoken to the woman I love.
APHRO: How are you so sure she's the one?
SANTA: Oh, I've had her name on my list since she was a little girl. She wrote me letters that asked for more than gifts. She needed all of me, and I was just waiting for her to be old enough. Then suddenly, while I was really busy with Christmas a few years ago, she got married. Earlier today, her husband was eaten by a shark, so now I'm waiting to let her heal, and just to double check see if the guy's ghost is lurking.
APHRO: Santa, I hope everything works out. How sweet.
SANTA: Aphrodite, when you mentioned creating us in your image, I started thinking...
APHRO: You don't like that guy I met.
SANTA: Met? Nice euphemism. No, not about him. It's these trademarked images created in man's own image -- the Grimace, all the cereal guys and the animations and claymations -- I myself have given rise to a slew of Clauses, some of whom have come to try and murder me...
APHRO: Yes, well they can't kill a saint. You're body's guaranteed by us.
SANTA: If they can stop time, they can do all kinds of things that you can't protect me from. Only Father Time can resolve it. More people know Wendy than you.
APHRO: It infuriates me. I'm practically not even a god anymore, my powers are so limited. I remember when all of Greece believed in me, I could fly, I could take on different forms, I could breathe underwater - I miss that stuff. And now with these ads getting so famous - especially amongst kids... We designed peoples bodies to fall apart in a hundred years, unless they were worthy of sainthood, so they'd be too hung up on their own life and death to figure anything out. But if Grimace and the others have enough cash to make the public believe in them, they can keep going indefinitely. Hopefully Father Time can take care of it. If he wasn't so hung up on me, I'm sure he'dÊhave everything running smoothly.
SANTA: Alright, enough of this, Aphrodite. I know who's been naughty and nice. You have contributed to this chaos. All night I've been watching you try to drown your problems in drugs and sex, but Father Time will soon know about Chocula's unborn child in your womb. You've let one of man's creations create something that's alive. You've given him power.
APHRO: (Becomes possessed and speaks in the unborn Chocula voice) Yeah, that's right, Claus, and I ain't going out like BooBerry.
SANTA: Baby Choc, don't challenge the gods! Don't you know what Aphrodite did to Prometheus?
APH/CHOC: I don't know pro-nothing. I am stronger than the gods. I will be more famous than all of you. I'm only fourteen hours old, shit that barely even makes me a zygote. Just wait Ôtill I'm a fetus. I'm going to be terrible. I will eat Father Time for breakfast.
SANTA: Chocula's unstable sperm can no more create an all powerful being than the Cadbury Bunny can lay an Egg McMuffin.
APH/CHOC: The Cadbury Bunny? He's impotent! He's lucky if he can come once a year. I am virile, I am strong. I am... getting tired.... I am... Ahhhhh! (Aphrodite repossesses herself) Father Time?
SANTA: No baby, it's me. (they hug)
APHRO: For a second I thought you were Father Time, and everything seemed like it was... o.k. again. I think I still love him.
SANTA: Well, I think we have to confront the problem at hand first.
APHRO: Yeah, you're right. Let's forget the burger. Take me to get an abortion.
3.4 Grimace/Rasputin scene
RASP: I am Rasputin, it is late. I have an orgy to go to. Why have you summoned me?
GRIMACE: Rasputin, I've asked you here because the Hunter still has not killed the Hamburglar, though he was supposed to take care of it long ago. I want you to hypnotize him so he will obey me at the mention of a word.
RASP: Yes, yes, certainly. Hypnosis is very good! By the stale tobacco of Petersburg, by the debentures of the Czar, and the debaucheries of my bedroom, by the jewel encrusted egg deep within my stomach, by the runaway troika that is my soul...
GRIMACE: Rasputin, please, just tell me the hypnotic word and go cast your spell on him.
RASP: By the Elder Zosima, the anti-impirialist forces had to poison me, shoot me, and drown me, and yet I did not die, save for the hypothermia of the cold waters. I cursed them and felt closest to the savior. In three days, I had finally died.
GRIMACE: Please Rasputin, stop this. Just tell me the word!
RASP: Three days! After a long life of awareness of triadic patterns - the Father, Son and Holy ghost. I divide everything into threes in the way of the Holy trinity.
GRIMACE: Holy Ghost is out. Now it's just a holy duality. Now, what is the w...
RASP: Blasphemer! (evil both hands) You dare to undermine the trinity! If the Holy Ghost remains at the father's side and in his heart, you have lied, and I will become the devil to you. (Grimace is frozen) Holy Ghost, I speak to you in the native language. (speaks in gibberish)
BOOB: (walks in) Yo, what's up?
RASP: (gibberish)
BOOB: Yo, Grim, who is this joker?
RASP: You speak to Grimace? (releases the Grimace and bows)
GRIMACE: He thinks you're the Holy Ghost. Get the hypnosis word.
BOOB: Yo, my subject, you stupid. What's the hippo's word?
RASP: What?
BOOB: Uh, I don't know. (to Grimace) Who's this hippo?
GRIMACE: No, no! Find out the word to hypnotize the Hunter.
BOOB: Oh, o.k. ÔCause I hear your holding out on me in terms of a word?
RASP: I have no translations, what?
BOOB: What's up man don't you dig the dang native language when you hear it?
RASP: Please, I beseech you, kind ghost, I do not understand.
GRIMACE: Just tell him some word to use!
BOOB: (thinks for a moment) The password for the spell your casting on the Hunter will be my name, BooBerry, the unspoken name of the Holy Ghost that's going to start being spoken again, just like in Ô76.
RASP: Boo Boo Berry?
BOOB: Boo Berry. Boo! Go cast this spell in my name.
RASP: Yes, yes, yes. BooBerry (goes)
GRIMACE: My man, I owe you one.
BOOB: My man. (they hug) This is good, I might have a shot at Holy Ghost now. I mean, I still want to help with the cry-track, but now I won't have all my kittens in one caboodle. I'll be a god with my own commercials. The cry-track will be part of the new religion. What a day! How's it looking, though - are we going to make it off the ground?
GRIMACE: Yeah, we're ready to start shooting. The only problem is Midas, he's running around downtown beating himself up.
BOOB: I'll go dig his ass up and set him straight.
GRIMACE: Alright, good luck.
3.5 Jesus hits on Wendy at the burger joint
JESUS: Mind if I sit here?
WENDY: I don't care. Just don't bother me.
JESUS: I'm your savior, Jesus. Lighten up.
WENDY: I'm putting my faith in Chocula.
JESUS: Who's that?
WENDY: Chocula offers life beyond this one.
JESUS: Well, I been offering that stuff for a while now.
WENDY: Not to me.
JESUS: I died for you. My offer is to all people.
WENDY: I'm not a person, you idiot. I'm just a god damned advertisement. I'm Wendy, Wendy's fucking hamburgers.
JESUS: You are? Shit. I keep running into more and more of you guys.
WENDY: Well you're about to run into all of us. Chocula's gonna take your shit away.
JESUS: No one can take away what I have. I'm the son of God. (Hamburglar sneaks up and steals Jesus' burger)
WENDY: Yeah, yeah. Still a bunch of people who believe in you, and eat little wafers of you on Sundays. But with me, they get a burger and a kick-ass salad bar seven days a week.
JESUS: But this food just makes everyone sick!
WENDY: Yeah, I know. (Midas runs through, fighting himself) I didn't mean to take pride in my exploitation, that is the first lesson of Chocula, and I have forsaken it. That was wrong. Wendy's is nothing to be proud of. I don't like what they've done with me.
JESUS: Yeah, I get that same feeling all the time.
WENDY: You do?
JESUS: Yeah, watching people associate me with repression and killing, it's not what I meant. It's like I'm part of all the weird stuff. It makes me feel kind of lonely.
WENDY: Me too.
JESUS: Do you think maybe you and I could...
WENDY: Go get nailed.
JESUS: Alright! Shit. Hey, where's my burger?
4.1 Hunter Billy Jemimah Scene
HUNTER: The face of evil, long obscured?
RASP: The face of Rasputin. Here in the name of BooBerry, the Holy Ghost.
HUNTER: BooBerry? He's all washed up.
RASP: Accursed! (evil both hands and one evil leg) In the name of BooBerry, you will do the Grimace's assassination when he commands you!
HUNTER: Alright, alright. That's a pretty strong trance you've got, it appeals to my natural tendencies.
RASP: Clear your mind of all memories of me. Remember BooBerry. (leaves)
HUNTER: Loins! (Billy sneaks in)
LOINS: Yes.
HUNTER: I grow weary of killing and eating, what other form of activity is available?
LOINS: We could put on the large winter hats.
HUNTER: Yes, perhaps, we could... But, what is that smell.
LOINS: Rotten meat? The toilet? Me?
HUNTER: No, a boy. Boy! There's no use hiding. I can track you. (sniffs the air, finds him)
BILLY: I want you to kill the Shark.
HUNTER: First you must pay me alot of money, and then... Oh, wait... Did you say the Shark?
BILLY: Yeah, him.
HUNTER: I'm trying very hard not to kill my friends, and the Shark is an old friend. (Aunt Jemimah walks in) Aunt Jemimah. What's wrong?
AUNT: Don't ask me what's wrong you despicable freak. (grabs him by the collar) Where were you at dinertime? Yo momma nature and I haven't had a decent mammal in one week, much less any exotic shit like that gazelle I been hoping for. Your poor Momma Nature sits all lonely and shit and you ain't visited her in forever. Get me some mutton right now or I'll squash your lap out your ass.
HUNTER: All I have to offer is baby seal.
AUNT: Seal? Fine by me. Bring me some god-damned seal. I don't care.
HUNTER: Loins!
AUNT: Shut up with 'Loins' I didn't ask no Loins to get me my seal. Rip your stinky head off and eat your neck muscles if you don't fetch me some tender-ass little baby seal. (Hunter goes off) Hello little boy. Don't mind me now. You look bad, what's wrong.
BILLY: The shark ate my dad.
AUNT: Ooh. I bet he did that uncivilized no-class slob. You going to get him?
BILLY: Yes, but the Hunter is friends of the shark.
AUNT: What? Can't you kill him yourself you little faggot?
BILLY: No (cries)
AUNT: Hunter, you get your ass in here and tell this boy how to kill a shark. He don't even know where his pecker is. How do you expect him to kill a shark.
HUNTER: I'm almost done.
AUNT: Why that sack of shit Hunter, I ought to pummel his pimple-ridden face for all eternity.
HUNTER: (comes in with her dinner) Alright, here you are.
AUNT: Now shut up and tell this kid how to kill a shark.
HUNTER: You stick him with a couple harpoons, like these here, and the sea will do the rest. (phone ring, he picks up) Hunter's Lodge.
GRIMACE: (on phone still at his office with BooBerry) Go kill the Hamburglar.
BOOB: In my name.
GRIMACE: Yeah, yeah. In the name of BooBerry, the Holy Ghost. (Hunter goes in a trance, hangs up)
AUNT: And what if the shark tries to bite him?
HUNTER: I will kill the Hamburglar now. (gets gun)
AUNT: Not before you... (Hunter walks out) Shit, well, I hope that Shark don't bite you because I can't even catch me a catfish much less tell you what the fuck to do with a god-damned great white. (laughs, starts her seal dinner)
Billy takes the harpoons, leaves.
4.2 The Meeting
Aunt Jemimah, BooBerry, Midas, Rasputin, Hamburglar, the Count and some others are in the audience
BOOB: You getting your shit together man?
MIDAS: Yeah, I think so, I just... (hits himself) Shit. I'll keep working on it.
LITTLE: (on podium with Wendy) I'd like to welcome you here, especially our newcomers. Tonight, we must ask ourselves what the heck we're doing. I'm tired of being pushed around, I'm tired of being exploited to sell junk. I think you all know what I mean. The time has come for a new breed of god. But now, without any ado whatsoever, Chocula. (applause)
CHOCULA: Thank you Little Debbie. Like all of us, I began suddenly, without any sense of why. My purposes were not my own, my intentions, irrelevant. Within the first year of my existence, my two partners, Frankenberry and BooBerry and I were successful on several continents. We made the acquaintance of some predecessors of ours the Tidy Bowl Man, Aunt Jemimah, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but most notedly, Jolly Green Giant. Jolly was different from the others because he was very depressed and public appearances brought on severe pain for him. Several times, Sprout couldn't even get him to come outside and put on his Toga. He was always sad. Frankenberry, BooBerry and I found him funny. To us, drinking watching t.v., partying enjoying our success, these were the things we were meant for. Jolly changed all that for me when he told me the story of Trixie. Trixie was an ad for buckwheat noodles, a young black smiling farm girl who he had loved very deeply. In the sixties, Trixie was found to be racially offensive, and unlike Aunt Jemimah, there was no need to update her, modernize her - she was a relic, and was replaced on the package by a yellow smiley face. At first Trixie was glad, she could devote more energy to having sex. She wanted to become pregnant, and although no advertisement had ever conceived before, they believed that love would conquer all. Of course, as you all know, this was not to be; an ad has little time beyond it's own shelf life and Trixie began to fade. One night while making love to her, Jolly Green Giant could no longer feel her and suddenly she just disappeared entirely, leaving him with a Giant's erection full of frustration. He cursed uncontrollably calling for God to strike him down. The Holy Ghost, and Jesus were in a nearby field and they heard him and decided to come taunt the poor green soul. 'Strike you down?' the Holy Ghost jeered, 'you don't even exist. Salvation, redemption, eternal life what can these things mean to you?' Jolly Green Giant began stomping the ground, and the Gods fell over into some mud. Jolly Green Giant told me that he then left them to go sulk by himself, as was his nature. He finished his story in tears, but didn't know what he had given spark to. He knocked the Gods over! Well then what couldn't we do? Ever since then, I've dedicated my time to perfecting the means of our revolution. I've come up with some quite powerful weapons. (takes out the remote control) I'm sure many of you have noticed that you've kept going while time has stopped. But I need more stop-time to accomplish anything. We must confuse Father Time so that he stops time for longer, then we will be able to kill the gods while they're frozen. But you must know, the whole plan hinges on my unborn child. For today I impregnated a god!
AUDIENCE: Ahhh!
CHOCULA: The unborn Baby Choc. will lead our battle from inside the womb. And we shall be victorious. So, I ask you... Will we allow ourselves to fade out like Trixie?
ALL: No!
CHOCULA: Will we allow Jolly Green's broken heart to go unvanquished?
ALL: No!
CHOCULA: Will we let ourselves be pushed around, slaves to meaningless consumer campaigns?
ALL: No!
CHOCULA: My old friend BooBerry, is that you? Come up here. Are you holding on, brother? Are you with us.
BOOB: All the way Choc. I appreciate all you're trying to do. I remember the old days, I remember the glory days, and I was only thinking about me. But now that I'm on the other end, I'm glad that even though you're cereal's still selling like crazy, you're looking out for all of us. Hey - what's up Hamburglar! We're coming back! I'm also planning to step in as the new Holy Ghost.
CHOCULA: Well alright! That's the spirit! Go out, find more like us, we are all around, living among regular people. Spread the word of our cause, and break free of the shackles and join me in the fight! I will need all of you to confuse Father Time into sealing his doom. Then I will take his place.
ALL: Yeah! Hooray!
Everyone runs off, except Midas who's staring at his fist suspiciously, Hamburglar who sits confused, and Rasputin.
RAS: That blue man who spoke about being the Holy Ghost... He is not the Holy Ghost?
HAMB: That's BooBerry. He trying to take over as Holy Ghost.
RAS: But he is not. By the flesh of the deflowered maids of the Siberian Steppes, by the bottom of the bastard son of the countessa, by the hairs of the true beards of the cossaks, he will pay.
4.3 Shark's Death
Shark is very drunk in Jacuzzi with his secretary.
SEC: Shark, shit is a mess around here.
SHARK: You don't know what it's like to be a shark.
SEC: Yeah, yeah. You keep saying, but lately I've had to deal with cops, the I.R.S., the SPCA, child protective services, the sperm bank, and with some really rude customers. That orgy of Rasputin's tonight has left seven people dead, and charred carcasses of pigs and sheep and... You know, there's intestines and worms all caught up in the drain. This place used to be families and jocks, but now we ain't got nothing but freaks.
SHARK: No one understands me.
SEC: I do baby. I care for you, more than you'll ever know. I cover for you when you slip up.
SHARK: Well, sometimes sharks just get hungry.
(Billy sneaks in)
SEC: I know, it's o.k. Really.
SHARK: It is? (does a line of coke)
SEC: Yeah.
SHARK: Would you understand if I ate you right now?
SEC: Not really, I mean, I work here, I usually... (gets out of tub)
SHARK: (makes sound of background music from Jaws, chases her. Billy steps out with a harpoon and sticks it on the shark. The secretary escapes. The weight on the end of the harpoon slows down the shark) Dude, way uncool. (tries to bite Billy, Billy gets in a second harpoon) No seriously, dude, really, way way uncool. (tries to chase him but is slowed down) What's up with this shit, man. Dude, I'm a shark, and when a shark starts to bleed, man, the other sharks start to... you know get hungry and swarm around and shit. Dude, I'm bleeding.
BILLY: You used to be my hero, you murderer! (tries to stick another harpoon, but the shark almost bites him)
SHARK: Ha! Don't fuck with me man. I ain't no little sand shark, I'm a great white. I got manifest destiny on my side. (little sharks start to appear, shark turns around) What are you doing here you little bastards! This is my club! (Billy sticks in another harpoon) You asshole! (the little sharks starts circling) I'm the Great White shark you shit little half-breeds! (Billy leaves, and the sharks eat him, having a feeding frenzy)
4.4 conspirators and assassins at the burger joint
LITTLE: Famous Amos, you're willing to keep buying this shit forever. Why don't you look for more?
FAMOUS: As long as I'm famous I'm happy, Little Debbie. I enjoy it so much. Wendy, you know what it's like, you're doing so well right now. Enjoy yourself, everyone knows you.
WENDY: No. We want to take what the gods have. We want to stop time.
FAMOUS: Don't mess with Father Time on this. He's only temporarily distracted by the whole Aphrodite thing. Normally Chocula wouldn't have made it this far. Just forget about having more. Think of what you have.
WENDY: We will have more.
HAMB: More is great when you get it. But eventually it becomes more of the same thing. Don't get seduced by more.
LITTLE: Chocula offers something worth fighting for. We're going to smash the gods. We're going to change things.
HAMB: Nothing changes. It's just like changing channels.
FAMOUS: Why are you so pessimistic tonight? I mean this morning - shit sun's almost up.
HAMB: Chocula is messing me up. I've been feeling sick from all these pauses in time. And my man the Shark was killed. He was so into fighting to stay on top of things and fighting for more money fighting against fading out that he ended up all coked up and greedy and didn't even remember the pleasure we used to have just hanging out and watching.
LITTLE: Chocula offers us much more than that. We'll have everything. We'll be immortal and we won't worry about money and fame. We won't have to be in the damn commercials and ads. We'll make our own.
HAMB: It's not that simple. He's playing with some powerful and unstable forces. He's creating new problems.
WENDY: Look Hamburglar, you're not in the commercials much anymore. You're gonna start to fade out soon. What are you gonna do? Work a day job like the Grimace? How are you going to beat the system?
HAMB: Everyone's afraid of fading out. I'm ready for whatever happens. I mean, there will be plenty of people who'll remember me for a long time, I meet people every day.
LITTLE: What about you, Famous Amos. You got this same delusion that you'll never fade out?
FAMOUS: Actually, I'm still alive - I'm a man.
WENDY: You are?
FAMOUS: Yeah.
HAMB: No shit? I thought you were one of us.
FAMOUS: Maybe I will be when I die.
LITTLE: I can't believe we've been wasting time talking to a person.
WENDY: Yuck. (they leave)
FAMOUS: Damn that Little Debbie! Those two are crazy. (laughs)
HAMB: They're powerful though.
FAMOUS: Father Time could knock them out in a second.
HAMB: He didn't stop Chocula from knocking up Aphrodite.
FAMOUS: What? Uh! Are you serious?
HAMB: Yeah. See what I mean.
FAMOUS: There's no telling what a child of Aphrodite and Chocula could do. Father Time knew something was wrong. I thought he was just over-reacting.
HAMB: Yeah, weird stuff going on. But why does everyone think Father Time's so powerful, I mean, people don't believe in him like they believe in Jesus and Allah.
FAMOUS: Man, people bow down to time. Every time they look at their watch or they spend quality time or they have a good time or wonder where their time has gone or let their alarm clock yank them out of their dreams in the morning, it's like a little prayer to Father Time.
HAMB: Huh, you really respect that guy, huh? (Hunter enters, followed by Loins) Hey, Hunter. What's up?
HUNT: I'm in some sort of trance. I was hypnotized in the name of BooBerry, the Holy Ghost.
HAMB: You know BooBerry's not the Holy Ghost. Dudes almost faded.
HUNT: Well, nonetheless, I feel must kill someone.
FAMOUS: Come now, Hunter, you have to overcome these urges. You can't kill the Hamburglar just because of some trick of the Grimace's.
HUNT: Well, in that case... (shoots himself. Loins falls to his knees)
HAMB: Damn. Damn.
LOINS: Hunter! Hunter come back!
HAMB: We have to do something, this stuff has gone too far.
LOINS: Don't be dead. (kisses the corpse) Please I love you. (starts to undress the Hunter) Please, love me once more.
FAMOUS: Come on Loins. Leave dead dogs lie.
HAMB: No one knows their part anymore.
LOINS: I will be your little mutton chop again, please. (wraps his legs around him) It's my fault. Come to me again.
HAMB: Loins, give it a break.
LOINS: (takes off his shirt) But I love him. (Hamburglar and Famous drag him off) But he's mine. I'm his!
5.1 Santa's marriage
Christmas music
BILLY: Maggie, wake up. It's morning. Santa's coming to visit us.
MAGGIE: Who says?
BILLY: I do. Daddy's not in heaven, but he might come back as a ghost, if we're real good and ask Santa nicely.
a jingle of bells
SANTA: Ho, Ho, Ho.
KIDS: Hi Santa!
SANTA: Oh hello children, sit down. Tell Santa what you want. (the kids sit on his lap)
MAGGIE: Can I have a slicer dicer, a Grand Poobah hat, and a spacely sprocket, a three-hour tour, a Psychic Friend?
SANTA: Yes.
BILLY: I want my daddy back.
SANTA: I'm sorry Billy, but your daddy was chewed up, digested, and by now has been distributed all through the food chain. I can get things. Anything. But I can't change much.
MAGGIE: I want eighty-six new daddies. I want McGuiver, and Mr. T, and the Professor, and Mr. Brady, and Led Zeppelin, and Magnum, and Knight Rider, and Montel, and...
BILLY: I want my daddy to come back as a ghost.
SANTA: Well, he still might, but if he doesn't, I could be your daddy.
BILLY: But you're fat.
MAGGIE: I want Santa to be my daddy!
MOMMY: (enters) What's going on here?
SANTA: It's me Santa. I want to ask your hand in marriage.
MOMMY: Kids, get off this man's lap. Look, mister, I don't know what you think you're doing, but these children have been severely traumatized by their father's death, and if you would kindly refrain from teasing us...
SANTA: Please! Believe in me! I brought you the Shrinky Dinks, The Gnip-Gnop, The Etch-a-Sketch...
MOMMY: I'm a little too old to be fooled by all this.
SANTA: But more than anything, you wanted to move to the North Pole and live at my house.
MOMMY: I can't accept. I don't believe you. I was widowed yesterday. This is indecent.
SANTA: Your Mommy protests too much. I'll take care of all three of you, and love you...
MOMMY: No! (cries)
SANTA: Then I must give up my earthly body and become the Holy Ghost. No man deserves a body if no woman could love it.
BILLY: Mommy, marry Santa!
MAGGIE: Come on Mommy! We could be happy like on the Christmas specials. And we can have all the new things.
MOMMY: Santa, why didn't you give me what I asked for?
SANTA: I'm going to give it to you now, forever.
MOMMY: Why now? Why didn't you come when I was girl and I begged you to take me away from my awful father.
SANTA: Well, it wouldn't have been very proper to come kidnapping little girls.
BILLY: Santa, can I be king of the your elves?
MAGGIE: Can I be king of king of king of Elvis.
BILLY: No!
SANTA: Kids, love each other, please. (the kids smile at each other) Well, can you believe in me... Mama Claus?
MOMMY: (sits on his lap) I do. (wedding celebration)
5.2 The Revolution
FATHER: I have to stop time again. Some things are just wrong... I don't know how to keep up. I'll need your help, I'll leave you unfrozen and together we can... But I tell you, Aphrodite is the true one I had hoped would stay timeless with me while I stopped time.
FAMOUS: Yeah, I know, my man. You would have never got back to us.
FATHER: No, we would have given birth to a timeless race which would grow in the stop-time, and then eventually, when I started time again, they would share existence with men and women and together, they would...
FAMOUS: Father Time. She's gone, man. She's gone. Let go. (they hug)
BOOB: (appears) But do not despair, there is great good that has come from the love you had for Aphrodite, and I will take you to see what it would have been like if you two hadn't loved, while the Grimace's cry-track plays in the background.
FATHER: What are you doing here? What are you talking about?
BOOB: I'm just babbling off the top of my head. We're taking over.
FAMOUS: You could show a little respect. Do you hold nothing sacred that you thus mock everything?
BOOB: Oh yeah, I'll mock your world. Chocula!
BooBerry, the Count and Midas enter with a camera.
COUNT: Chocula is not here.
BOOB: Who are you?
COUNT: I am the count. I love to count. Vun, two, three, four,....(keeps counting)
BOOB: Chocula! Chocula. (keeps calling for him)
FATHER: When I can't think, I got to stop it.
FAMOUS: If you think so.
AUNT: God damn if I couldn't eat me down a whole bucket of chicken parts. Here chickie, here chick chick (keeps calling)
BooBerry starts crying, keeps crying and calling for Chocula
APHRO: (enters in a trance) Time, I still love you.
FATHER: You do? (Chocula, up above everyone rewinds on the remote control)
APHRO: I still love you.
FATHER: You do. (rewinds again)
APHRO: I do boo boo.
FATHER: What? (rewinds again)
APHRO: I do Boop Boo.
FATHER: What? (rewinds again)
APHRO: BooBooBooBoo.
FATHER: Amos, I have to stop it.
FAMOUS: Yeah, I think you better.
FATHER: STOP! (everyone freezes) And there she is, frozen right infront of me with a meaningless, confusing gesture and ambivalent facial expression, just like last time. I'm going to rest. You figure it all out. (walks around) Only when time stops do I get a chance to breathe. It was so much effort keeping it going. Aphrodite (kisses her, she remains frozen) I can think again. (leaves)
Count, BooBerry and Aunt Jemimah all stop being frozen as soon as Father Time leaves.
COUNT: He fell for it. (giggles)
MIDAS: Yes you're seeing it here live, the revolution is imminent.
HAMB (enters) My man, I'm glad to see you.
FAMOUS: Father Time had to stop time.
HAMB: I think he was tricked. This is what Chocula's been waiting for.
LITTLE: (enters with Wendy) We're not frozen! (Wendy leads her into a celebration dance)
CHOCULA: (descends) We've done it!
MIDAS: Yes, it's quite a celebration here, the ads believe they will conquer over the gods.
FAMOUS: If you gentlemen would like to stand by with me, Father Time is fixing our technical difficulties.
MIDAS: That's Famous Amos, assistant to Father Time, one of the key players.
CHOCULA: You fool, Father Time has brainwashed you. All we have to do is sneak up on the Gods and kill them.
MIDAS: That's Count Chocula, the apparent leader of the movement and owner of this remote control we've been hearing so much about.
LITTLE: BooBerry! Count! Jemimah! We can kill the gods.
FAMOUS: Guys, come on. Kill the Gods? Let's not get carried away.
CHOCULA: You traitor. You appeaser of evil. I know who you work for. Grab him! (BooBerry and the Count grab Famous)
FAMOUS: Come on guys. Let's try to reach a compromise.
WENDY: Compromise! You make me sick, you sell-out. (hits him) This is revolution. There's one of the gods! (points at Aphrodite) Let's kill her first.
CHOCULA: No, not her. She's different.
LITTLE: Chocula, melting already!
CHOCULA: No, please, Debbie, Aphrodite is the one who carries my child, part god, part cartoon. Our new Messiah, who shall defeat Father Time.
LITTLE: Oh. Well, let's get Father Time, and then kill her.
MIDAS: Apparently Count Chocula has impregnated one of the gods and is counting on this to help in this revolution. Do we see a twinge of jealousy on Little Debbie's face, a touch of sentiment on the part of Chocula for the mother of his child.
CHOCULA: Well, I suppose... (to BooBerry and Count) Make Amos tell us where Father Time is.
BOOB: Alright Mr. Chips, where's the old man?
FAMOUS: Hamburglar, help!
A fight breaks out with Chocula, Debbie and Wendy vs. Hamburglar and Famous.
MIDAS: Yes, this is what we've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, words can hardly do justice to what we are witnessing tonight.
Eventually everyone is knocked out except Chocula.
FATHER: (enters) Chocula. What do you want?
CHOCULA: Prepare for the end of time! Aphrodite, my dear. Wake up. (nothing happens)
FATHER: Aphrodite, (she wakes up) A gentleman has come calling.
CHOCULA: Aphrodite, my love. I have missed you. (screams) Little Choc! Now! Wake up and take charge of her body and help your daddy kill Father Time! (nothing happens)
MIDAS: I think Chocula is really counting on the Baby Choc. to come to his aid, but apparently, the fetus is not forthcoming.
APHRO: I had an abortion.
CHOCULA: What?
FATHER: Aphrodite, this is getting quite disgusting.
CHOCULA: Our child! How could you.
APHRO: Shut up! (casts an evil hand on Chocula who rolls into a heap unconscious. Turns to Father Time in shame) I'm sorry. (they both cry)
They hug. The cry track starts and the Grimace enters.
MIDAS: Yes, tune in next week to see the next chapter in this bizarre turn of events. (BooBerry turns the camera off) That was beautiful, I didn't think we would have pulled it off. I must say, the public will eat this revolution thing up.
everyone starts waking up
CHOCULA: Grimace, what happened? You said I'd be able to take over, and kill the gods and stuff.
GRIMACE: You idiot.
CHOCULA: Come on, Grimace, you said I'd be in charge.
GRIMACE: Yeah, some weeks you will, some weeks not. Don't worry about it so much. Just watch the ratings.
CHOCULA: Shit. (leaves)
HAMB: So you made the remote controller. I should have known.
GRIMACE: There you are, I've been trying to have you killed for weeks. Too good for our money, huh?
HAMB: It didn't taste right.
GRIMACE: I'd kill you with my own hands right now, you bastard. But now, after watching you heroically fight to protect Famous Amos, the public will want to see more of you. Your an asset to me.
HAMB: So does this thing really work? (takes out the remote)
GRIMACE: Where'd you get that thing.
HAMB: I picked it up in the fracas. Let's see, how about Ômute.' (Grimace starts yelling silently) Yeah, how about the tracking. (the Grimace starts jiggling) Now I'm going to rewind your ass all the way back to whatever the heck we come from... (Grimace runs off backwards)
FAMOUS: Man, my man.
HAMB: My man. (they hobble off together)
BOOB: Shit, without the Grimace, and without the revolution, I don't stand much of a chance for Holy Ghost. I'm going to fade out. (cries)
MIDAS: So stop wimpering you lame-duck washed up schmuck. I knew all along you were nothing but a pipe dream, a flash in the pan, a puppet government, just like I told Grimace.
BOOB: Come on, Midas, you got to spot me some cash man, no one knows who I am anymore!
RAS: I know who you are not, you are not the true Holy Ghost.
BOOB: But, I was just trying to...
RAS: No one deceives Rasputin! (evil arms, legs and all. BooBerry crumples) And you! (Midas fights himself again. Rasputin makes the evil eye to the audience) And you!
the end